CALL GIRL OF CTHULU (2014) THREE TOP HATS
I thought this was pretty fun for a movie called Call Girl of Cthulhu but some of it didn’t make much sense. Like – why were those two girls making out all of the time? Why did they decide to have The Sex in all of that blood? Why didn’t we get to see the roommate’s tits? Why did the demon thing fuck Rick ‘The Dick’? Why did wahtsherface have to get killed when they finally found love – is this some sort of Greek Tragedy or something? HMMM – I’ve seen much worse in my time on Earth. Like THIS.
SOME KIND OF HATE (2015) TWO TOP HATS
Some kid stands up for himself and shoves a fork in a bully’s eyeball. He gets sent to detention camp where a bunch of hot chicks and studly dudes dwell. There’s even a super hot blond who porks the inmates and does yoga with her ass hanging out all over the place. So what does he do? He invokes the ghost of a girl who was murdered there before and she goes around cutting up and killing everyone with razor blades. Yikes! I would probably have scored this better if it wasn’t for some overlong, over-dramatic monologues that had me rolling my eyes. Plus – the girl below is too super hot not to show her junk at some point. Piss!
SLOW WEST (2015) FOUR+ TOP HATS
I REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEALLY really liked this movie but this is probably only going to appeal to those folks who reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally like Westerns because jack shit happens until the last act. Like I’ve said before, I haven’t really seen many Westerns but I’ve liked the ones that I have, except for those ’70s ones someone made me watch. I don’t really have any problems with this except for this nagging question: how would this feeble, English boy know exactly where this girl lived in the vast expanse of the American west? That makes no fucking sense but I liked this enough to get over myself. Sorry Mutant, no sighting of Michael Fassbender’s Giant Cock in this one.
TWO STEP (2014) FOUR + TOP HATS
Remember when I wrote about BAD TURN WORSE?? I really loved that and I might like this one a little bit more – with the caveat that I fell in love with the theme song for BTW and would have sex with it if I wasn’t already married. Mrs. THE IPC probably wouldn’t cotton to that. Anyway, another Texas Crime movie finds it’s way into my heart as we look into the lives of four individuals and how they all interact surrounding the topic of – stolen money and cheatin’ spouses. This is really my type of movie even if it didn’t have any boobs and I would recommend this if you liked BAD TURN WORSE, CUT BANK, AFTER DARK, MY SWEET or RED ROCK WEST. If you haven’t seen any of those….. what the fuck are you waiting for?? Oh – maybe you don’t live in the U.S. S.W. and they don’t appeal to you. In that case – PISS!
THE BOY (2015) THREE TOP HATS
*SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS*
I was first intrigued by the poster for this thing – the boy with the horns – and saw it had Rainn Wilson in it, who I have grown to love over this summer, so I gave it a watch and thought it was pretty good – it’s awful slow, but it’s also quite good. There are three key actors in this and they all do a really good job. Plus, the Boy gets a pretty good comeuppance. Now – when I saw this on Amazon Prime, the poster was on my TV which is about twenty feet away from where I sit (so the image was very small)… I saw the Boy with the horns, etc and rented it. Having found the poster for this post, I can’t EVEN believe how big a spoiler is in the poster. What the fuck movie people??
SUPER (2010) FIVE TOP HATS
Super?? When I first saw this trailer I thought this was going to be a big pretentious piece of shit that I would have to save my poop up in a sock to throw at it if I ever met it face to face…. but….
- I never thought I would like a super hero movie more than KICK ASS, but I think this does the trick
- I NEVER thought I would put these four words together: Ellen Page is Hot – but I did for this because Page as Boltie is ———> THE BEST
- I’ve watched this movie at least once every week for the last six weeks
- Boltie forever:
Now, I would never be the guy who said that a movie changed his life but something happened in here towards the end that really had an effect on me… The dialogue sequence went something like this (caps are on purpose because of the intensity):
CRIMSON BOLT: YOU DON’T STEAL WIVES!! YOU DON’T GIVE DRUGS TO CHILDREN!! YOU DON’T CUT IN LINE!!! THE RULES WERE SET A LONG TIME AGO!!! AND THEY DON’T! CHANGE!!!
JOCK: SO YOU THINK STABBING ME… IN MY CHEST… IS GOING TO CHANGE THE WAY THE WORLD WORKS????
CRIMSON BOLT: I WON’T KNOW! IF I DON’T TRY!!
(stab stab stab)
My friend and mentor Mitchell and I – have had a long standing rule that “A man has to try things for himself to see if he likes something or not” (think how miserable the Jager Spice line is) – and I’ve always lived by this. But, aside from the stabbing and murdering stuff – I have a new motto – “I won’t know if I don’t try”. This line has given me new life in the aftermath of the layoff and just life in general. This movie didn’t mold me the way LEON and ROCKY and AFTER DARK, MY SWEET did but its affected me.
Oh – and here’s Boltie being sexy to keep the theme of the site alive:
COOTIES (2015) FIVE TOP HATS
I know I did one of those “OOOPS I crapped my pants” posts accidentally on this the other week, but I really did LOVE this movie. I thought it was hilarious and it had Kid Zombies – or – as the Sex Ed teacher explained it, “You won’t turn into a zombie if you’ve hit puberty or had your Mensies”. The plot? Kids turn into zombies and start ravaging the adults – will the adults survive?? This thing is a fucking crack up and includes dialogue like this:
(RAINN WILSON): We’re going to climb out that window and kill those fucking kids with these band instruments!
(ELIJAH WOOD): No. no. no. I’m going to sneak down to the Principal’s office and get our cell phones.
(RAINN WILSON): That’s the worst plan EVER!! I’m not going to go sneaking around the hallways like some fucking Hobbitt!!
(ELIJAH WOOD) – Extended close-up of look of disbelief and hurt.
I loved this thing so much and it was SO GOOD to see Nasim Pedrad in something – long live #ScreamQueens:
FUN SIZE HORROR: VOLUME ONE (2015) THREE TOP HATS
I don’t really have that much to say about this anthology… I watched this a couple of months ago and don’t really remember much about it other than the photo that’s going to follow this paragraph. I remember thinking these “horror” shorts were pretty lame – lamer than the shit in THE ABCs OF DEATH movies and even VHS 3. I’m looking at the poster and don’t really remember any of those shorts so that can’t be good. There was one installment about a reality show murder house that featured the chick below – Amber Marie Bollinger – and she didn’t say much but she’s REALLY good looking. I guess my point here is that you shouldn’t waste any money on this like I did and just wait for it to come out on cable so you can play it and not pay much attention while you have your Twister Orgy Piss Parties. Because, that’s what you do on Thursday nights, right??
SOME GUY WHO KILLS PEOPLE (2011) TWO TOP HATS
There’s this fry cook, see? He’s troubled, see? He does menial jobs and can’t figure out that this foreign chick likes him, see? He was bullied as a kid so he wrote and drew a comic book about his experiences, see? Now someone is going around reenacting all of the shit bullies did to him and making sure they are FUCKING MURDERED!!!! Is it him??? Is it his insane buddy?? Is his insane buddy going to kill his little daughter??? You’ll never know until the final few minutes in the most haunting Giallo ever made! Or am I lying like a total dick??? You’ll have to watch to find out but you might not want to because this is pretty lame.
EXETER (2015) TWO TOP HATS
Just like your own high school experience, you and your high school friends somehow have access to THOUSANDS of dollars in cash to throw the most wicked-fresh party EVAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA at the local abandoned insane asylum. While you’re rolling around in the trash and clutter, one of you gets possessed by an angry demon who likes to float and KILL YOU!!! Making good sense, you talk to it with a made up Ouija board and now it’s possessing other people!!! Everyone is dying!!!! How are you going to explain this to your friend’s parents???? Why don’t you use the brain your mom gave you and use tools to get out of that fucking kitchen??? Use a wrench!! Use a pipe for leverage!!! use a fucking hammer!!! There are objects EVERYWHERE to use to get out of that goddamned window!!!!
DEAD HOOKER IN A TRUNK (2009) TWO TOP HATS
The Soska Sisters did AMERICAN MARY which I liked enough and they are fun on Twitter occasionally even if they’re getting too big to interact with the likes of me these days, but I wanted to see what this was all about, before they could muster up budgets and better cameras. I thought this was ALL RIGHT but it really suffered from Small Budget Syndrome. I’m learning what it’s like to make a movie and I get what they were up against but…. I think this could have been done better. And I’m not saying mine is going to be some work of wonder but – we’ll see what we can pull off. This has a credit of 2009 so things like cameras have changed and such, but… this was OK but probably could have been better…
The plot? Some chicks, their tough bitch friend and a guy who might be gay are off to score some drugs and find a dead hooker in their trunk. So they need to dispose of the body, deal with her pimp and for some reason, I don’t even remember how this ended. This is the first of the last “work DVDs” I brought home so it’s been almost two months since I watched it – sorry to disappoint if you were looking for a full synopsis but *shrugs* I’m sure you already know by now if you want to see this.
And there you go! I miss all of your blogs! I hope to get around to them soon! Thanks to anyone who is still hanging around and decided to read my shit!