Good morning and welcome to another version of Movies I Watched That I Thought Looked Good But Really Just Kind of Sucked Butt. I guess I’ve never used that title for a feature out here but that’s usually the case when it comes to the things I watch. While I am DEATHLY allergic to stinging insects, I thought the trailer made this look like it would be fun and it really wasn’t – they went WAY too gross with the insect goo and carnage and – while I appreciated it – I found myself thinking “groooooooooooooooss” way too often for my liking. I’m no puss when it comes to gore effects but I find movies that rely solely on that to be a little off-putting and when that happens I can get distracted easily and often.
The girl in the most photo-shopped picture ever on the internet stars in this rendering of the Ancient and Classical Cappadocian Cautionary Tale regarding the Drinking of Wine and Sodomy. You remember that from your Bible Class in 5th grade, right? If not, it went like this:Basil the Great (of Caesarea)’s younger brother Gregory of Nyssa (above) bought a young slave (along with some romaine lettuce) at the local bazaar before heading back to his home in the mountains of what is now Turkey. There, he promptly ordered her – as his property – to get into her black, one-piece bathing suit and fur stole before performing all manners of deranged sex acts upon him and his buttocks, angering that God from the Old Testament who liked to go around smiting everyone and killing everyone’s babies.
According to legend, and your Bible Class teacher Mrs. Alexander, God then sent swarms and swarms of genetically enhanced wasps, from what would eventually be known as Utah, over the oceans and seas to sting, murder and lay wasp-eggs in the humans which would would then breed wasp-man hybrids and wipe out entire populations for their fornicating sins. “That’ll fuckin’ show ’em”, said God, taking a pull of his wine that he didn’t want to share with anyone.
Filmed shot-for-shot from the original (made in 363 B.C.E.), this remake feels nothing like its predecessor and seems to be a pointless activity in showing off how someone can splash sticky bug innards all over some poor actor’s face for an hour and a half. I actually prefer the original, to be honest. All of the moaning and crying, the 50 year life spans and shitting in a hole in the desert make it much more believable than this modern day special effects miasma. Well – maybe miasma is the wrong word but I just didn’t like it very much and then end carried on WAY too long before actually finishing with something kind of stupid. It might not be as stupid as this:
But this movie will certainly not make you do this:
Unless, of course, your name is Brian and you work at Hard Ticket to Home Video where you celebrate the sunset each night in a nude dance around The Flame of Lust and have all night orgies out in the grass behind your condo. Anyway – whatever may or may not be true in this post (it’s all true), I don’t recommend Stung unless you’re super into a man with a hunchback, wasp-cows and an old man who shits himself.