Kristy… LAUF UM DEIN LEBEN. I’m not sure what any of that means (aside from the name Kristy) but I am pretty sure they bowed to someone’s agent’s will and put a semi-character from Twilight into the top of the poster to Produce for potential viewers. And – by Produce – I think you know what I mean. Right, Mister Beer Movie??
Anyway, Kristy takes a tackle on the long running tradition of holiday movies where the rich and elite people who run the entertainment industry retell the age old holiday story of The Christians v. The Lions, reminding all Good and Pious Christians to “Watch your Place or you’ll be Dead”. “Kristy, Kristy, Kristy!!!” the crowd screams from the Colosseum as unarmed people are gored to death by beaten animals. “Go, Go, Jupiter!!!!!!” they root, showing their tits and spilling wine all over the people in the row before them. “Let’s have unprotected orgies!!!!!!” they declare, spreading their seed and hymens all over the place.
Well shit. Maybe that’s not right after all. Kristy tells the story of some mopey chick who stays at college (insert: school or university) over the fall break while EVERYONE else goes home except for some security guard who would never be assigned this detail to stay and protect ONE entire dorm while everyone else is gone.
Kristy – whose name isn’t even Kristy, but Justine, stays at school so her parents don’t have to waste their bread on travel and, one rainy night, decides to go get some ice cream and some sweets for her security guard friend. At the local Qwik-E-Mart, she runs afoul of a local degenerate who gets on her tits about being rich and going to a nice school and then busts the clerk’s balls about some shit looking, cheap sunglasses. “Here come the bourgeoisie, you mother fuckers!!!!!” she screams, placing the glasses on her bourgeoisie pierced nose while hiding her looks under her bourgeoisie uncleaned hair. “Suck my bourgeoisie cock!!!” she laughs and then turns to Justine and says “You fucking Kristy” referring to her Christian beliefs which I didn’t get unless the fact that she didn’t go out of town for Thanksgiving makes her some sort of raging Christian which doesn’t make sense because if she was some sort of raging Christian she probably would have gone out of town, spending thousands of dollars of other people’s money to be with her parents and doing some praying and tithing and all of that stuff.
I guess people don’t actually tithe anymore around here in the U.S. but I hope you get my picture. I like Thanksgiving (usually because it’s around my birthday) and Christmas, not because of the religion in it but because I don’t have to work and I can remember good memories with my ancestors, with my family and being a kid before I had to learn how to go off and fucking work. But – back to this movie – when you see or think about one of these home invasion or let’s-stalk-and-kill-everyone-we-can-because-we-can movies, to pull this off you’re going to have to think of something inventive. Through the first half of the movie I was thinking – “hey….. they’re pulling this off because they’re being inventive and everyone’s not making idiotic decisions and those masks are kind of cool”.
But then, as it petered out to the end, it kind of got lame and repetitive and there was no:
If you don’t know who that is, I don’t think I should be forced to remind you but:
Well, that’s that. I reckon almost everything “Could Be Better” but this could have been a lot better. If you take a chance on this because it’s out for free on Netflix streaming… there’s better shit to watch and there’s something after the credits that’s not worth staying around for. I really do hope everyone’s doing ok – even though no one reads the blog here any longer (meaning – you might miss my wishes of good health) but happy holidays and good futures and everything else!