* SPOILERS AHEAD (that won’t ruin the movie)*
One day, a number of years ago, I took the day off to have some fellows come over and clean out our chimney. When they got there, I moved from the couch to the kitchen and started watching a shit movie called Dead Girl which centers around a couple of high school punks who skip class one day and find a dead lady chained to a table in some bunker somewhere. Turns out she’s naked with a massively unshaven hoohaw, as well as among the living dead, so they do what we all do when faced with such a thing: they leave and come back bearing tubs of petroleum jelly which they slather all over their dongs and get to fucking. The zombie, not each other.
As soon as that business started I remembered that there were a couple of tradesmen in my house and they might not want to see or hear that, so I changed the channel and made a note in my head to not watch grisly horror movies when I have workers over because they might not want to see two youths pounding away at a living dead girl.
But I never made a note to not watch something like that when sitting next to a complete stranger on a three hour plane flight, squeezed together so tight we might as fucking well be co-joined twins…As some of you may know, I recently took a job working in the magical and odd smelling hamlet of New Jersey, where no one ever yields while driving or uses their turn signals and then applies great pressure to their horns when someone doesn’t let them into a car lane. I’ve never seen anything like this behavior but I guess it is what it is and I get paid to come work here, even though the fucking town I stay in doesn’t sell beer after six o’clock on Sundays. What the FUCK is that all about??
Anyway, my first installment of this series belongs to Scouts Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse where I watched this at the very fucking back of an airplane with two very large men crammed into the seats to the left and the goddammed fucking toilet to the right. As a large man, the seats were fucking miserable and people kept stacking up the fucking aisle to use the fucking bathroom and, since we three big guys couldn’t fit in the tiny seats properly, I had to kind of lean out of mine and people kept touching my shoulder with their fat butts. I hated every second of it and even whiskey didn’t help.
I don’t know if that led to my disgruntledness about this movie but I didn’t love it. I thought everything felt really rushed, like one of those bad episodes of Modern Family when they try to do too much in thirty minutes and it comes across as very poor comedic timing. Plus, I hate David Koechner. And I hate old man cock’n’balls but I’ll get to that later.
This starts off kind of cool with a janitor doing a hip-hop dance number but then gets silly pretty quick… the stoned janitor boy goes to clean a lab while the lone, late-night-working scientist guy leaves to get some sort of candy out of a the vending machine across the hall. Stoned Janitor Boy mops his way into a forbidden cubicle where some dead guy is alive so naturally he falls on him and into him and then gets thrown around in the background, across the lab by this super zombie, while the Scientist tries in vain to get his candy bar out of the machine.
Next up we meet the geek lead Scouts – one of which would probably never be a Scout in real life and one of which is the stoney, selfie taking asshole who I hated most of the time. His character was all the way irritating and, well, Cloris Leachman (as an infected person) pulls down his Scout trousers and bites his bare ass which was pretty funny but – he never turned into a zombie so that didn’t make any sense. Well, you know what, someone might have been a zombie at the end – I vaguely remember, maybe, someone undead being in their prom pictures but, by the time that fucking flight was over, I had all kinds of wracked nerves.
Plus – there were zombie cats, that I didn’t love:
Earlier I mentioned the editing, and I don’t want to dog on this movie because I think it was fun, but it seems like they really over edited it to shorten the run time. I’ve always been accused of taking too long to get to the point or taking too long to get a joke in, but I enjoy a little build-up. I think that’s what didn’t do it for me here. The Final Girls was so fucking fantastic – they built up to their “money shots” – and if you know what that phrase means, you might get it. I’ve never looked at a porn in my life but those anthology porns with just “money shots” isn’t very exciting, or so I’m told. Like I said, I’ve never bought or watched a porn but a three hour VHS of just Money Shots is lame.
Plus – this fucking guy in a women’s wig:
I think the movie is worth watching – for free – but not for some exorbitant price you might have to pay to rent. There’s an extensive piece where one of our Scouts is falling out of a window and hanging on to your grandpa’s old man weenus, until it rips off and he falls onto a trampoline and bounces around for a while. That was pretty awkward watching that scene while some strangers next to me probably watched it too and wondered what the fuck I was up to.
In the end, I liked it but didn’t love it. It needed to slow down, calm down. It needed to give me some space. I’ve also always been told that I talk too slow (if you haven’t seen my assortment of videos out here). I talk slow on purpose – I use my words to convey what I want to say, what I mean. There’s not much that irritates me more than saying the same thing over and over again. Not many people have the characteristic of listening or not shutting up so someone else can say something any longer but I do. I listen. I speak. But I don’t want to have to do it over and over.