One day, a number of years ago, I took the day off to have some fellows come over and clean out our chimney. When they got there, I moved from the couch to the kitchen and started watching a shit movie called Dead Girl which centers around a couple of high school punks who skip class one day and find a dead lady chained to a table in some bunker somewhere. Turns out she’s naked with a massively unshaven hoohaw, as well as among the living dead, so they do what we all do when faced with such a thing: they leave and come back bearing tubs of petroleum jelly which they slather all over their dongs and get to fucking. The zombie, not each other.
As soon as that business started I remembered that there were a couple of tradesmen in my house and they might not want to see or hear that, so I changed the channel and made a note in my head to not watch grisly horror movies when I have workers over because they might not want to see two youths pounding away at a living dead girl.
But I never made a note to not watch something like that when sitting next to a complete stranger on a three hour plane flight, squeezed together so tight we might as fucking well be co-joined twins…
This time around, on the way to New Smelly, I was sitting next to a plump woman whose enormous boobs jiggled every time we hit turbulence. I didn’t really mind that part too much but I really wasn’t sure what I had in store for myself since she was reading the new 50 Shades of Grey book so I decided to run on Goodnight Mommy and see what it was all about. I had heard good things about it, generally, and the trailer looked fucking creepy so I had some high hopes. This thing starts off VEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERY slow introducing us to two identical twins wearing undershirts walking around and throwing things at each other in their posh German? countryside estate. Then their mom comes home all bandaged up like a WW1 wounded soldier and they don’t recognize her.
It’s very easy for me to not pay attention to things and, while I had to read this movie, I was very uninterested in it and I figured out what was going on kind of early so my mind would wander and I thought of other things and maybe I just didn’t get it, but I didn’t love it. I can’t say that the movie isn’t well made but those two kids really fucking irritated me.
*SPOILERS AHEAD*As it goes, these two kids don’t recognize their mother so they tie her up and superglue her mouth shut and cut into her stomach and there’s this one sequence where she has a chance to get out of it but she can’t scream loud enough and blah, blah, blah.
As far as an unease factor considering the stranger seeing something disturbing, nothing really dicey happens in here except this one shot where the mom strips off all her clothes except for her face bandages and goes prancing around in the woods. Oh, and she pisses herself.All in all, I wasn’t too impressed with the thing although it did look good.
On the way back I was seated next to a middle aged lady whose boobs were practically exposed, so I decided to watch Bone Tomahawk again. You can see my thoughts on that HERE if you like but we can say that most of that movie is pretty tame but I did have to get creative in shielding the innocent lady’s eyes from THAT ONE SCENE… you know – the one where they split the guy down the middle… and then eat him…
That should have me all caught up with what I’ve subjected people to, so far. I also watched The Gallows with Frank Gifford’s kid in it but I don’t have much to say about that. You can read about that movie HERE if you were curious. And, if you wanted to read about one of my new favorite sayings, you could read about there HERE.