The other day I was watching The Hand That Rocks the Cradle for the first time n 20 years, admiring a young Rebecca DeMornay, when this fairly unattractive child appeared on the screen. Looking familiar, I looked her up to see if she had ever done anything else and, sure enough – she was the star of the show in this miserable thing below. I figured I better put this post back up… for posterity.
P.S. I FAILED at trying to do a post on my phone. I’m traveling for work again the next two weeks so, if I get anything put out here, it will likely be old posts no one has ever seen before.
Like I’ve said before, I appreciate it when a movie gets made and distributed and I wish everyone well and good fortunes and keep up the good work and all of that, but I have my opinions one way or another and I am sure people don’t like what I do here, but if we get right down to it, this movie bored the shit out of me for an hour and I’m sorry, guys, but I didn’t find anything cute about these Dimples. Well – let me change that… I don’t know who this person is but I like her now:
This person’s name is Madeline Zima and she plays the lead character “Frances”. She doesn’t do much in this thing but look exactly like that picture and I don’t think this will go down in history as her best role, but there was something about her that I really liked. So, she plays Frances, girlfriend to one of the most irritating characters ever, “Billy” (Randy Spelling) who does things like scare her with a pillow case over his head and beat up the local “mentally challenged” dude, granted, the guy was eyeballing them through a window and fucking a hole in a cabinet in front of his paralyzed dad (wtf??). Anyway, he, with just installed nipple ring, and she are going on a vacation with three irritating people so he can devirginize her (eye-roll face). The three irritating people include the black chick who just took up smoking (Tasha Taylor), a slutty show-her-tits-on-the-web-for-money-ecstasy-taking-dance-around-constantly-for-the-camera Brittany (Ashley Peldon) and this guy:
That’s a guy named Michael McMillian and I have nothing against this individual as a human being but I was subjected to his way of acting / talking / behavior / stupidness for an entire season of True Blood and, honestly, I can’t stand his work, sorry dude. He plays Henry – and aspiring filmmaker – who runs his mouth CONSTANTLY and films everything shaky-cam style and I was actually happy when his character was finished off.
Oh yeah – so these five folks are going to the cabin to do it with each other and Frances is having “visions” and she throws up all over herself so they stop at a dumpy gas station to hose her down (mmm hm). While Billy sprays her down the dude inside fucks the cabinet so they all throw rocks at the place. As they are set to leave, Cabinet Fucker is outside the mobile home’s window so Billy beats the shit out of him and then they take off. On the road, without the map Frances threw up on, she sees a little girl on the path so they veer out of the way and blow a tire. As four of them cuss and yell, she chases the little girl into the forest and into a rundown house on the top of a hill. A note on that: from outside, this house looks like a derelict piece of shit, but the inside appears to be some sort of Malibu Canyon mansion.
Sure enough, next up they all start dying (and the gore effects are pretty good) but if you haven’t figured out what’s going on by this point then… well… I don’t know. I promise that if you turn this on and try to make it through to the “big twist” and the “big explanation” you will probably be disappointed in yourself because this movie is not fun whatsoever and you’ve seen this done much better a hundred times before. My advice would be to skip this thing and wish everyone well in the future and take your chances on something else like Dead Snow or, if you’re in the mood for something like this, try High Tension.
On a happy but sad note, it looks like the new season of True Blood is almost upon us so YAY HAPPY but the previews look like we get more McMillan this time around so 😦