For those of you new to this place (that I don’t get to update as often as I used to), the Half Ass Review feature involves me talking about a couple of themed movies in even more of a half ass way than I normally do. I know I’ve set the bar very low for future generations of movie writers but let’s see how bad it can get. If you want to be a member of the Half Ass Reviews Department, drop me an email at email@example.com Intruders revolves around a comely looking lady who is dressed down and has her hair mussed up to make her look ragged. Also involved is her creepy death bed brother who up and dies but she’s agoraphobic so she can’t go to his funeral. As this is the case, the food delivery boy (one of the never ending and eternal Culkin kids) tells his asshole buddies about how the lady has a stash of cash somewhere in her labyrinthine plantation house so, during the scheduled funeral, they bust in like they own the place but she’s there. AW SNAP!
Little do they know that sweet and insecure Anna has a dungeon in the basement with all types of expensive and mechanized gadgets where her and her now-dead brother torture and kill pedophiles. For some reason, they also have frozen human legs and arms in the deep freeze (which is never explained) and this ends pretty stupidly. I thought this had some potential but, having gone through everything, the end was just dumb and made no fucking sense so I’ll tag this with ‘cannibal bastards’ and move on.
In the remake of Poltergeist, a ghost busts in to Sam Rockwell’s house like it owns the place and steals off with his little daughter. In this sequel, they naturally move the geography of the housing development to Los Angeles and, in a convenient plot moment, they build all of the homes over the graves of dead celebrities. “YOU MOVED THE HEADSTONES BUT NOT THE BODIES!!!!!” Rockwell screams over and over chugging Tennessee Whiskey straight from the bottle and smoking Camel straights.
Doing what they must, they resurrect the body of Zelda Rubinstein who growls in her undead voice “Don’t go into the light, my child. I’ve been there and they don’t serve spicy mustard on their Rubens.” I actually watched this a couple of months ago in the middle of the night on an airplane while I was drinking beer and whiskey, so I don’t remember much about it other than I didn’t really care. For some reason I get a TON of hits off my post of the original (HERE) mostly because googlers want to look at JoBeth Williams in her underwear. I think the special effects were far superior in the new one but other than that I didn’t really give a shit so here’s a picture of two ladies from this episode of Fantasy Island I’m watching while I write this:
And that is your latest from the Half Ass Reviews division of THE IPC.
Want to be a member of the Half Ass Reviews Department of THE IPC??? Let me know in the comments or email me at firstname.lastname@example.org