Isaacs Picture Conclusions

ANGST (2003) TWO TOP HATS

Not that I’m being too lazy but I haven’t been around a laptop that I can do WordPress on in weeks and I have forsaken trying to do a post on my phone or ipad… I don’t know how you guys do it. Plus, no one but one person has ever gone back and read the old shit so here’s something fun only one person has ever seen, complete with a homemade movie poster I did when I was trying to do homemade movie posters  : )

no. no. no. no. NO. NO. NO. NO! No. No. No. I can’t like this movie. NO. NO. NO. NO Eric NO. This horribly acted, horribly shot, horribly put together movie about a girl’s Hoo-Haw that eats people?? NO. NO. NO. Most Unclean. No. NO. What? This kind of got entertaining towards the end? What? No. Wait. NO What?? Oh man. Is that really one of my favorite songs (Lacuna Coil’s “Swamped”) playing over the end credits? NO! I feel bad for starting to like this terrible movie – but – I don’t know – the pitifulness of this kind of got – shudder – “endearing” after torturing me for an hour and 20 minutes or so. I think also, after we got away from the constant imagery and sounds of “Feeeeeeed Meeeee” coming from the woman’s – um – privates, it got better, especially when the lead male gets together with the stripper and they rob the bank. Now – it does take a long, agonizing time to get there, but when it does, it gets kind of funny and, well, not too bad. There is probably no way to review this movie without it being heinous reading, so look away my child if you might be sensitive. Go no further.

So – let me say – that this is totally not what I thought I ordered on NetFlix. I thought I was getting another Italian Giallo but I was very, very wrong. In retrospect, several years ago, when I used to physically drive to a DVD rental store and then get out of my truck and walk down aisles of DVDs looking for a horror movie, I came across a movie so forgettable that I forgot about it – an English job called “Twisted Sisters” which basically consisted of an actress named Fiona Horsey going naked the entire movie and killing people (if I kind of remember correctly). Sometime later another movie with this actress came out called “The Chambermaid” which, basically, consisted of her going naked the entire movie and killing people. Having forgotten about those pieces of crap and forgotten about Fiona Horsey, I was unexpectedly reminded of her when I opened this NetFlix envelope and said to myself: “Wait… what?”  “Angst” is this: Fiona Horsey going naked the entire movie and killing people as her, uh, womb devours people after they come to the conclusion of their sexual encounter… kids today! Since I have been doing this hobby, I have always wanted to find a place to use the term Coitus Interruptus, and maybe this is where I can finally fit it in. Plot: “As Horsey and the male are doing The Sex, if there is no Coitus Interruptus, upon the male’s ‘conclusion’ his body is sucked into hers through her, um, yeah, leaving only clothes behind (or a rubber).” What will cure her of this horrible affliction?? True love?? Closure on that traumatic incident with the guy in the fetish mask she witnessed as a child?? Mawwaige?? Only a few people probably know the answer to that – one of them being myself.

In the side story – what?? Yep – the moony eyed, in-love-with-Horsey dope named Dennis (Paul Conway) follows her around and follows her around and moons and follows her somewhere and falls in love with the right half of a pair of co-joined twins (Beth and Amy Steel).. Ok – that’s enough of that right? Well no, you see, for some reason as he is trying to have sex with the one, he accidentally has sex with the other and then goes crazy and cuts them in half with an electric bread slicer, killing the left half. What? Yessir. Next up he’s on the run and on the TV and wanted for murder so he dons a hideous looking fake moustache, sleeps in the park like a bum and ends up at a strip club. The Stripper (I wish I had caught her name) identifies him and, over a nice bath session with some, um, ‘fooling around’ cons him into helping her rob a bank on the Isle of Wight, or she’ll turn him into the cops. Yowza – maybe this is one of those complicated Giallos after all.

If we drift back into the other side of the movie, Horsey’s character is afraid of her, um, personal, um, business. She doesn’t want her current boyfriend to get near it – why? It may have something to do with these black and white flashbacks they keep interjecting. Anyway, he, um, does it with her without her approval and then he disappears. Huh? Ok. She heads home, takes a shower (with her crippled step father peeping through the keyhole) and tries to figure it out, but can’t. Next up – she goes to the feminine doctor for some advice, gets drugged and wakes up to his clothes (and rubber) lying there on the floor. OK. So she heads home again, has some bad dreams and her, uh, stuff starts moaning “Feeeeeeeeeed Meeeeeeeeee” as she doubles over in pain constantly. This gets her started into the world’s oldest profession until she ends up chained to some sort of mattress frame in some building that looks like a basement or dungeon. When that guy disappears (oh man that was just wrong) and she’s bound and trapped, a beat-cop walks by and rescues her. YAY! Twoooooo Wuv! In a day or two they are engaged, married, the groom’s father disappears mysteriously (mm hmmm) and they are out on their honeymoon on the Isle of Wight where, yes, she will not engage in The Sex with her husband. Friction, Friction, Friction.

angstb

Spoilers here (if you’re still reading this):

To tie things up nicely, Dennis and The Stripper have robbed a bank on the Isle of Wight (I can’t express how funny it is when the security guard yells says mumbles “Stop… You… Bastards…”) and kill someone. Dennis’ mug is back on TV and the surviving twin, while ironing her one armed shirt, sees it and screams it up good: “I HAAAAAAATTTTTTEEEE YOUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!” In the meantime, Horsey and her cop husband are rolling around the island in a motor home when they stop so they can do some well poorly acted arguing over The Sex. Wouldn’t you know it, fishnet-over-the-head Stripper busts in with a gun, tapes them to a railing and sticks Walmart bags over their heads. Conveniently, Dennis doesn’t recognize Horsey (since she has a bag over her head) and they head out to the beach for some nude swimming, but Dennis falls asleep during a BJ and she leaves him out there. Why mention that? Because we get hilarious shots of his sunburned weenus – to which he dips it in a glass of water at one point and then later in a cup of yogurt. Really? Nice. To wrap this up – there’s actually some funny dialogue to end this (considering the brain scrambling lines in the first 2/3rds of the film),  a horrible CGI explosion, the big confrontation with the remaining un-joined sister and then, really – WHAT?? “Swamped” by Lacuna Coil over the credits? Come on. Don’t make me like this. Oh well – I guess I do, a little. Oh for crying out loud.

Well – there you have it – “Angst” featuring Fiona Horsey and her, um, er, uhhhhh, man-eating vajayjay. For a movie about a, um, yeah, uhhhh, man eating vajayjay this was pretty awful, but when they steered clear of that, um, business, it got a little better – with some funny dialogue, events and a decent enough conclusion. Make no mistake, this movie is NOT good but I kind of felt like, you know, when you stand in the hot, baking sun for four straight hours for a ride at a theme park, listening to and smelling sweaty idiots and then, finally you make it to the suspended, upside down, three loop roller coaster and it’s the fucking baddest ass ride you’ve ever been on but you remember how awful it was to get to the big finale – that’s kind of what I got here. But this is not Bad Ass in any way.

Also – I don’t know what this is, but here you go:

angstc

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