Isaacs Picture Conclusions

MARTYRS (2015) A 2016 ORIGINAL POST!

martyrs15aI went into this pretty hesitantly – understanding that I might be in the minority – but the original French version of this movie is one of the most heinous things I have ever seen and was the original impetus for my MOST UNCLEAN list. I realize that the original is fucking French so that makes it “artistic” and “deep” and “filled with French emotion and symbolism” but it’s really a big fucking piece of shit movie aimed at beating women and then skinning them alive. At least in my stupid opinion. I fucking hated that goddamned thing. Anyway – I knew they were doing this and of course I thought why remake that fucking goddamned thing but they did anyway and, honestly, I couldn’t really find anything to watch on my flight back home the other night so…….

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If you’re a fan of the first one and appreciate its French-ness and French detail in skinning and torturing women, you probably won’t like this. It is VERY American in its business and shies away from a lot of the French Brutality and French Grim that pilfered the first. There’s also a little bit more story this time around and less skinning (which I appreciated) so, again, while being kind of the same, this is a lot different than that French piece of shit. To recommend – it’s bloody and a little gory, but much less tame than the original. If you haven’t seen the original and want to watch a decent horror – this isn’t TOO bad. I promise you, you’ve seen a lot worse. Like THIS.

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If you’re not familiar with the story, a young girl, who has been tortured for an unknown period of time, escapes her shackles and runs free, screaming into the streets. I don’t remember this happening in the first, but she ends up in an orphanage and gets befriended by a nice girl named Anna who sneaks her cookies from the Mother Superior’s kitchenette. When the nun finally figures out who’s been running off with her pastries, she takes a cane to their naked backsides and then crucifies them up on sticks in the town square to make an example out of them. As they wither away and die in the baking sun, the townspeople rally around their surviving spirit and, as they die horrible, uncircumcised excommunicated and cursed deaths, they are proclaimed Martyrs and that’s that.

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None of that really happens after the whole cookie stealing part but these two girls grow up and become besties and then the girl named Lucy goes after her tormentors from so many years before and nothing really works out well for anyΒ of them.

#uncircumcised

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If i think about the first film, if the casual reader hadn’t noticed, I didn’t like it. Going into this, I didn’t think I would like it but I ended up not thinking it was too bad. I thought the camera work was good and it didn’t get too nasty. A few plane rides ago I watched The Green Inferno and couldn’t stand it – not because of the gore – but the story and the acting were fucking stupid. I mean “We’re tied up in cages and this village just ate one of our friends so let’s shove this bag of weed down our newly dead friend’s throat so when they eat her they’ll get stoned and we can escape.” O_O UGH

Soooooooooooooooooooo, yeah – I didn’t think was too bad considering I had the original to compare it to. I mean, I’d rather pop out my own eyes and eat them rather than watch that mother fucker again.

P.S. Be on the lookout for Stumpy from Carnivale

54 comments

  1. I thought the original was good, at least until the end part where it scarred me for life. I too, will never watch it again and thankfully have almost eliminated it from my mind. That being said, I probably will not give this one a go. Good review though. I like it when people share cookies. πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I hate movies that try to back away from the ugliness of horror so I wont be seeing this remake. In the original I had no idea what the ending would be. But this remake spoils everything within the first trailer. Nope sorry. I like the French and the whole frenchiness of the orginal. I’m never going to watch it again, but will never see this remake, Unless The Soska Twins or Eli ROth remake it

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Now tell us how you really feel… hehehe. Fun review. I actually liked the French original, inasmuch it shocked the hell out of me and was actually scary. Sounds like the remake is toned down. Thanks for the warning though πŸ˜‰ Oh and with Green Inferno, I think (I hope) they went absurd a few times to break the tension. Also, it’s a crowd pleaser for parties, where you’re drinking and smoking πŸ˜‰

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Dear PSC,

    Everyone keeps telling me to watch Martyrs, and now you have said it was so awful, and it sounds pretty damn brutal, and not necessarily in a good way. Uhm, don’t know what to do now! Probably keep going as I have been – not seeing anything. Glad this wasn’t totally godawful, and great to see a new piece!

    Love,
    JJB

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Nice to see a new post mate! Sounds like I might actually like the French one, I’m certainly one of -those- people who loves almost anything French. Did you hear about the French film Love? Google ‘LOVE MOVIE POSTER’ and you’ll get an idea of how fucking French it is, haha!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. The first one is my favourite horror film of all time. It scarred me mentally, and I haven’t found another horror film scary ever since.

    I made it about 5 minutes into the remake and switched it off. I just couldn’t bring myself to watch something that even resembled the first one, and I just feel creepy watching horror films on my own. Especially when the subject matter is usually this sick.

    Also, I just wrote up about Green Inferno. I agree with you whole-heartedly at the sheer inane stupidity of it all. Very shit film all things considered, especially the amount of hype Roth has been giving it.

    Like

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