Southbound comes marketed to us as “Five interlocking tales of terror follow the fates of a group of weary travellers who confront their worst nightmares – and darkest secrets – over one long night on a desolate stretch of desert highway. ” So – when I read that I thought “another anthology with a wicked ass poster – let’s see what happens” and I rented it up.This thing started off pretty cool with a couple of bloody dudes driving an old Ford pick-up down a dusty highway with some cool “It Follows” style music blaring through my headphones and I had some high hopes. Before too long, they start getting followed by one of the coolest looking death-creatures I’ve seen in a long time:and I was getting excited and I started repeatedly poking the dude next to me on the airplane and pointing to my ipad screen like a raving idiot until the pilot had to come out of the cockpit to calm me down. Eventually he had to use force and started tazing me over and over and over and over again until I was lying in a yellow pool of my own piss, right there in the aisle between seats C3 and D4. When I finally came to, I was handcuffed to a wrought iron bench wearing nothing but my stained boxer briefs in what I would eventually discover was an underground bunker in Eastern Europe. Here’s a picture of my shitter:
I had to chew my way through that goddamned thing to get free but I’ll expand on that in a future post. Back to the movie – these guys go to wash up at a diner and then leave but the road leads right back to the diner, no matter which direction they go so they get out and walk. Like normal people in movies, they argue and bicker and yell over whose fault it is and then one of them gets killed so the other heads into a hotel room and chases around his
imaginary ghost of hallucination of whofuckingknows daughter and then they segue out of the hotel room onto the pathway in front.
So Chapter 1 starts strong and ends with me having no fucking clue what’s going on since they didn’t explain anything at all and the interwoven part of it comes as three hungover chicks in modest states of undress are waking up in a hotel room in the same building.
These chicks moan about how shitty they feel and then hop in their beat-up van and head off into the heat where they promptly blow out a tire. They sit in the heat and drink warm beer for a while when eventually a guy and the chick from The Signal show up and convince them to hop on in and they’ll take ’em home and give ’em a nice supper and the twin boys from next door will hop on over and fix their jalopy right up. Instead, they give them some sort of disgusting roast that has some sort of drug cooked into it that turns two of them into bloodthirsty cult members and, while they’re having some sort of ritual to the God Anu (I think – it’s never fucking explained either) one of the runs off into the night. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
Next we turn to a dude driving down the highway at night, getting sexy texts from his wife when – BLAMMO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! – he runs right into whatshername in the road and she goes shooting up into the air and falls to the pavement, crumpled and broken but still alive. He goes ahead and calls 911 like a good citizen and the voice on the other end tells him to pick her up and take her to a hospital. The hospital is abandoned and looted like some sort of riot had occurred, with no doctor or nurse in sight, so he ends up performing all sorts of surgeries on her. Does she make it? Does her leg fall off? Does he have to compress her lung with his own hand? You can ask me and I’ll tell you or you can check it out for yourself but, in the end, when the phone is hung up and you really have no idea what just happened, we segue to a the 911 voice actually being a chick on payphone outside of a bar.
Inside the bar is a number of people, including one of the dudes from Orange is the New Black. While the bunch of them are minding their own business and not bothering the fuck out of anybody, some old dude comes in with a shotgun and threatens to kill them all if they don’t take him to their daughter. He says something like “I’ve traveled all over this goddamned country looking for her and I fucking well know she’s here!!” “Look mister,” says this fat fellow whose hands turn into monster claws. “You best just up and leave. ROWWWWWWWRRRRR”.
There’s not a lot of pictures for this on the web so here’s one from the first episode: the waitress from the diner and something many of you have never heard of – a stack of 8-Tracks:
Nothing weaved itself over directly from that like the previous three did but now we get introduced to this happy family, on vacation, who are also sitting around minding their own fucking business when they get home invaded, Strangers style…. except, these folks are wearing hoodies and masks that resemble this:
Not a lot happens here except for things that don’t make any sense and aren’t explained so there’s that and we return to the what happened at the beginning of the whole thing. It’s not the best Anthology of them all but it’s not the worst either. Anthologies are what they are and I appreciate them but if you’re going to try and tie them all together like Pulp Fiction, or even Trick’r Treat for that matter, you’ll really need to have your shit together. A few months ago I watched something called Tales of Halloween (that I never wrote about) and it wasn’t very good at all. Also – I just noticed that this is post is over 1,000 words so I better go before you all fall asleep, if you’re even still here… and, since there are 9 pics here and that really makes my OCD tic, here’s an image of Nasim Pedrad. You’re welcome!