I presume that a lot of people question my sanity on a regular basis – not just based on the words I type – or even my sloppy use of the English language – but also because of the movies I talk about out here. Only a few people that have ever read my about page or the three people that remember when I started this might recall that this place was envisioned as a place where my friend and I could talk about shit movies without having to use our work servers and get in trouble. The point of this is that you’re not likely going to find reviews of Deadpool or Bridge of Spies here. Occasionally I might slip something in if I really like it but, in general, I try to keep to the more obscure things –> and that usually comes with a heavy price. We could even probably call that a terrible price when I run across bullshit like this movie. And just to be sure, it looks like there were TWO movies called Forsaken released around the same time and the one we are going to visit today does NOT have this guy in it:
It does, however, have this fellow:
At first I was surprised that the lead in this movie was portly – I have nothing against portly people but they normally aren’t the lead attraction in films – but, as the first minute after the opening credits dragged to a painful conclusion, I realized that this person might have come from the director or producer’s Mansion Service Staff because he’s not a very good actor. He mumbles constantly, stares into space and does a lot of incoherent weeping. Kind of like me, I suppose, any time one of my scheduled posts goes out and I wake up to face my public shame.
Anyway, this guy plays a priest who used to exorcise demons out of people but now he’s retired but his wife has some sort of brain cancer that makes her cook her own skin and crawl around in the house like she’s possessed by one of Satan’s buddies – but it’s brain cancer. OK. So, like what any normal person would do, he calls on a demon to go ahead and possess her so she can live longer. Or something. Then she goes batshit again so he takes her out to “his other house” out in the country and chains her up. Elsewhere, his daughter, played by a person going under the name Nissa Nightmare, messes with a Ouija board.
Elsewhere, Kiefer Sutherland and Demi Moore reminisce about their popularity in the early
This movie makes no fucking sense whatsoever and it was actually SO FUCKING STUPID I didn’t finish the last four or five minutes of it because my plane had landed and I didn’t give one shit. The last I saw, the wife was actually Lilith incarnate (I think) and someone looked at her and his eyes melted but then everyone else could look at her enough to string her up on some sort of makeshift cross in order to burn her alive because they love her so much or some such shit.
I am actually having trouble closing this one out since it sucked so bad so I’ll just tell you that I was going to write a song called “The Ballad of Piper Perabo” (sung to the tune of “The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald”) and use a bunch of pictures like this:
but I don’t that will ever get done so I’ll just leave you with a random picture of the top of one of my cabinets and let’s forget we ever saw this piece of shit movie.