That REALLY is the name of this thing, I shit you not. I took a day off from the new job and I’ve had a couple of cocktails so let’s see how this goes. A man with extremely poor acting skills and a gigantic head plays a character who has a lot of money and a good looking piece of tail in the passenger seat of his convertible and, just so you know, I spelled convertible with an M twice before I let spell check clean it up. Anyway, they roll into some small town like a couple of rich douchebags and hit a local shoppe. There, he commands her to buy anything he wants with his black credit card because it has no limits, much like himself. And I seriously do think that it might be his forehead that has no limits but that’s not up to me.

After that he furrows his preposterous brow and heads across the street to a local bar after asking her what time it was. I’m sure she checks what is a Patek Phillipe and announces “It’s 11:01 AM”. “Thanks. I’m going to go buy one glass of wine and give the bartender a 100 dollar bill because I’m a pretentious cocksucker who can go fuck himself. See you soon so we can get to boning.” He replies.

Something like that really did happen and then, a few minutes later, he goes batshit and starts seeing things and he really is a piss poor actor but then they introduce these random monks who have horns growing out of their heads and I thought they were cool but this movie certainly was not.

Soon, he is approached by the daughter of BJ from “BJ and the Bear” to do some screwing but he is a good douchebag and refuses her and goes back to his hotel to act like a prick. On my first search for BJ and the Bear’s daughter I got some of this but I guess I can’t complain:

Now – let’s be honest – how many of you remember this????? HUH HUH???? Talk to me!

And, since we’re all being honest with ourselves, who doesn’t remember Stacks????

#stacks

And, if that’s not HD enough for you, here’s a digital photo of the Landers sisters that I may or may not have hidden in my copy of The Wind and the WIllows when I was younger.

All in all, I didn’t like this movie very much but, close to the end, they do this cutaway to explore a big twist that you’ve already figured out – BUT – they show this TV reporter and I was all “Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy is that…….?????” and then I watched the credits and it was none other than one of my favorite morning news anchors – Lacey Lett!!

Then I finished the credits and I guess this was filmed in a town about 30 minutes from where I live so I really wanted to come out here and give it some local support but I am all about honesty here and it really wasn’t very good at all. Here’s Lacey and some of the other morning folks:

I know that she’ll never come out and read this place – much less this particular piece but – I totally have a crush on our local (same station) weather-girl – Emily Sutton. Here she is with a dog she adopted that also hangs out at the station:

Well, shit! It looks like we’ve gotten way off track (but that’s probably ok for this shit movie) (because this has been kind of fun to put together and the movie sucked balls). Let’s retrace our steps, shall we?

#judylanders :

#bjandthebear :

#brianaevigan and not #katdennings or #katdenningsgiantboobs :

#creepyhornedmonkthathasnovalue :

#manwithpooractingskillsandenormoushead :

#mondayatelevenooneamtitlecard :

Now that we’re back to where we started, in some sort of fashion, so let’s see what the future holds…

I don’t know if that lady is giving this post or this movie an energetic thumbs down or even if she’s indicating what she wants to do to my behind because of this thing I’ve created here but, either way, this movie was tedious and long and boring and didn’t make a shitload of sense in some parts. I get that the guy who wrote and produced it decided to be the lead in his film but – DUDE – realize you’re NOT a good actor. For those of you who remember that I’m trying to make a movie trailer with the intention of doing a fundraiser to make a movie, know this – I SUCK ASS at acting and you won’t see me delivering a bunch of lines and trying to do good eye acting and shit like that. If you want to see me doing some acting, click HERE.  God – did we really do that in 2014?? Time goes by so fast.

P.S. I know no one clicks those old links but that REALLY is one of my favorite things I’ve ever done out here… : )

#itrubsthelotiononitsskin

To finally sum this up, I give this movie a TWO TOP HATS because the useless, creepy monks were a great production design and I really did like an actress in here going by the name of Chandler Ryan. It’s not like she had a great time to shine or anything in her small part, but I liked her. Other than that, this movie was shit to me and – well – some movie is someone’s favorite movie but I give it a squeaky-butt-cheeks-on-the-window-moon and we’ll talk to you soon!