Isaacs Picture Conclusions

SHITFEST 2013 ENTRY 5: FIVE ACROSS THE EYES (2006)

Howdy! This post serves two purposes… 1) I watched a movie on the plane the other day that reminded me of this horrible piece of shit (hope to write about it soon) and 2) Shitfest 2016 is coming!!! We’re working out some procedural kinks but we should have a big announcement ready soon!!  We don’t want to not have everything in order and be premature ejac – um – remov – um we just want everything to be solid so we perform properly.

Entry by: yours truly

FIVE6

From the start, this movie was pretty irritating, then it got VERY irritating, then it kind of got decent and I was thinking that this could be a good movie if it was remade and shot differently, but then the last thirty minutes derailed into very needless, stupid violence that really made no sense whatsoever to anything and it was all I could do to finish it. Let’s see, the shaky cam was stupid, the musical “score” was sometimes 80’s synthesizer and sometimes European Death Metal, the editing was awful, the blood / injuries to the girls changed locations often, the story-line made no sense, the sound was terrible, the “villain” had no point, no one in the world would make the decisions these characters made and it was too long (1:34 minutes) for a movie like this. Bad all around – save your own eyes the pain and watch anything else instead.

FIVE3

Five high school girls are returning from a high school football game, whining and griping about being lost on a “shortcut”. I probably can’t illustrate the inflection EVERY line is made with but it would go something like this: “Madeline you toOK THE WRRONG TURNNNNN!!!!” Almost every single sentence spoken inflects whine-ily upwards, constantly. Anyway, they whine and yell until they come across a store in the middle of nowhere. Then, as they are leaving, they bump into an SUV and whine and yell about that. They leave the scene whining and yelling until they are chased down by the SUV, whence they start crying and yelling. As the chase ensues, they cry and moan and start to throw things at their pursuer (but not the canister of one of the girl’s dad’s ashes mind you). Since the sound is so bad and they are yelling so much, I couldn’t really tell what happened but I think one of the girls shit in the van and threw it at the SUV, for real, because they then start crying about the stench and someone throws up in their hands.

FIVE2

To make matters worse, they are eventually cornered, forced out of the van at shotgun point by a screaming woman who’s covered in blood and forced to disrobe – and pee on their pile of clothes.  The crazy woman leaves, they re-clothe themselves and head back to the road, where they pass the lady and the chase is on again. They cry and cry and cry and scream and argue and blame each other for things and slobber and need to blow their noses and cry and yell again until something kind of interesting happens and then it just gets worse and worse involving situations I don’t want to write on here.  I love a good, violent horror movie and even like most of the not very good outings, but this is just violence for nothing other than shock value. There is no purpose for anything done in this movie, no reason for this woman to be terrorizing them, no reason for the dead bodies in the back of her SUV, no reason for her to – oh never mind.

FIVE5

These actresses deserved better.

FIVE4

59 comments

    • theipc

      This is a terrible, terrible pile of shit, Mark. We have a seventeen year old dog who just shit on our back patio because he’s 17 and can do what he fucking wants. I have to pick that up very soon and it might be better than this… For real.

      Like

  1. Chris brandt

    That pile of dog shit is still on your porch. I mean for crying out loud. What are you gonna do call 911. “Sir, what is your emergency?” THERE’S A GIANT PILE OF SHIT ON MY BACK PORCH, HELP ME PLEASE

    Like

  2. This one sounds like the most terrible movie yet! And I know we’re only 5 entries in at this point, but based on plot alone i think this may be the frontrunner. Creepy poster too!

    Like

  3. Pingback: Into Darkness, Hipster Heroes & Monster Makers | filmhipster

    • theipc

      Loveliest Kidney!!

      It WAS fucking CRY CRY CRY!!!

      FYI – I’m having some #jager what a fucking week…

      Love,

      Sugar Pappy Isaacs

      Like

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