G’day, I’m Jordan. I am the fool who is going to make the next shitfest happen. Hopefully. I’ll briefly introduce myself: I’m Australian, so I’ll seem like an alien at times, and I have epilepsy, which rounds things off quite nicely. Enough chit chat, time for a half-arse review. Yeah, I’m spelling it right, bitches!
WILLY WONKA AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY (1971)
So, recently I was tripping on some sort of psychedelic and I thought it’d be cool to watch the original Willy Wonka movie. The first half is fucking boring, so I skipped that, and went straight to the factory. The part where the fat kid is eating from the shit-river and then falls in said shit-river. He is then shipped off to outer space while ol’ Willy tell’s his mother its ok. Or was it a Dad. I can’t remember. So this continues, naturally a girl turns into a fruit and a kid is shrunk to the size of a bee’s dick, oh and I can’t forget the scary boat ride where the tunnel is filled with atmospheric LSD and everybody starts tripping hard. I love ol’ Willy, his attitude is great when the kids go for something.
‘don’t, stop, come back…’
Haha! What an awesome villain. If I were a villain I’d be all cool like that, offing people like I’m taking a piss, cool as a motherfucking cucumber.
Then Willy and Charlie fly into space and lived happily ever after. I think Willy might have been into children too, I’m not sure. His name was Willy.
CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY (2005
Boy did I have fun trying to find this when I thought it had the same title as the original. But no, this is Tim Burton, it has to be different. And quirky. And all that Tim Burton-like stuff that I only enjoyed in The Nightmare Before Christmas. The start is a bit boring like the other version, so I fast-forwarded until the disabled grandpa started dancing. I laughed at that and continued forward, until I saw the kingdom of chocolate.
Well, that is kinda stretching it, because the factory itself looks like some sort of compound from one of those fucking atrocious YA dystopian movies. Isn’t this a kid’s flick? What’s with the uber-building?
The old Wonka was fun and strange, in a good way! His office was eccentric, and everybody loves an eccentric. Except when that person is Johhny Depp. I think Depp here could actually have been method acting as a paedophile. Who knows, how does he somehow act weirder here than he did in Fear and Loathing? Could be true, ya just never know in this crazy bat-shit world. And he certainly is acting… kinda strange around these kids.
Apart from the GREY AS FUCK building and Depp doing his best to be as creepy as possible, all the same fates await the children. Apart from the atmospheric LSD, that doesn’t seem to happen here – I remember a distinct acid-freakout in the original.
And then we get to the fucking worst, most abominable part: the Oompa Loompas. They were awesome. Here though, CGI rules the candy kingdom and we never really get a proper look at these new oompa loompas, whose songs suck hairy ones, and they suck ’em hard.
There are some shitty remakes out there, I know. But considering the original is a classic of cinema, the remake resembles one of the worst films ever made.