Hello and welcome to another edition of I’m Sorry here at Isaacs Picture Conclusions! Am I actually in a state of regret?? Well…. always… but that more resembles public shame… No – what we’re talking about today refers to this version of the definition:
I actually think that they might have had good intentions in making this but, by god, this was torture to sit through. The acting was terrible from everyone involved, there was ridiculously bad CGI, the story was stupid, there were plot holes bigger than Lake Erie and this whole thing just stunk like shit. Whoever went onto IMDB and said that they liked this is a fucking liar. I really would have turned this off and watched something else if I wasn’t trapped on an airplane. Like – the other day I started watching some movie called Final Girl with Abigail Breslin and that idiot Wes Bentley and it sucked SO BAD that I turned it off at the 17 minute mark and watched something called The Diabolicals with Ali Larter which I actually liked despite its horrible title.
This expressionless chick moves in to some old house that was once inhabited by some archaeologist or something and soon she has some haunted necklace or something and her dead boyfriend shows up and makes her make out – expressionless – with some nude woman who is actually a demon or something and then she’s in some other dimension or maybe she’s not and then she has to die to save the archaeologist and drink from some fucking chalice or something and it’s so stupid I didn’t give one fuck and at some point Lance Henrickson showed up for no reason.
I think I’ve told this story before but it would have been a long time ago so: one time about 16 years ago my roommate and I had been up drinking Scotch all night and then next morning I went to work still kind of drunk. I sat down at my desk and coughed and shit my pants and then the building had a fucking fire drill so I had to go stand in the cold with some doody in my drawers for about ten minutes before I could go jettison them in the bathroom trash can. It was pretty fucking miserable but even that was better than this sorry fucking movie.
There ARE about two seconds of good in this thing via the guy above but that doesn’t last too long. The rest is drivel and pain so let’s have another story time. About TWENTY years ago three of my buddies and I drove up to Chicago to see OU play Northwestern at Soldier Field (this is american college football to y overseas friends). OU got beat 28-0 so that was a real ass kicking but we got drunk and then went jumped naked into Lake Michigan. That was pretty funny even though I almost killed myself.
The next day we rove up into Wisconsin to watch the Milwaukee Brewers play a baseball game at this place called County Stadium which they were tearing down after that season. The Brewers got beat 17-1 so we basically drove 1,000 miles to see our two favorite teams get their asses kicked BUT that night we went into a place called Racine and – this is something that NEVER happened to me – I met this chick and scored. That never happened! Anyway – with or without doing some surprise banging – seeing our two teams get beat that bad and almost killing myself was still better than this movie.
So – from my POV – I’m sorry I watched this and from the other perspective, this is one sorry mother fucker.