Isaacs Picture Conclusions

KILL OR BE KILLED (2015) DIAGNOSIS: SCRUMPOX

KOBK10See what I did there? I used an old-timey word in the title to be clever because no one uses the word Scrumpox any more. Or Scrivener’s Palsy or Grocer’s Itch. Do you know why I did that? Because all of the dialogue in this is delivered with unknown and trite old-timey words that no one uses any more and it’s REALLY fucking irritating. Probably about as irritating as Grocer’s Itch. I fucking hated it and I hated this movie. So, while everyone’s talking about Captain America and the Black Panther and Green Room, let’s see what we have here. I am going to include spoilers about this stupid thing, so be careful but, while I always encourage you to see and determine your own opinions about anything, I would strongly encourage you to NOT spend your money on this thing like I did.

kobk2See this review on IMDB: “Made with Old School spaghetti westerns in mind, this film definitely took me on One Hell Of A Ride like no other I have ever seen!! From the very beginning, Kill Or Be Killed kept the anticipation levels very high and continued doing so through to the very end. From the very authentic “look and feel” of the old west, this film captured exactly what it set out to do and is a Must-See for any fan of classic westerns(Like Myself) who are looking for something with a Very Unusual, Dark and Unexpected Twist, which had me on the edge of my seat not knowing what to expect next…and it also included a nice touch of everything else in the process!! Great Movie…Highly Recommended!!!”

That’s a fucking lie.

Well – I guess every movie could be someone’s favorite movie but I sure hated this. Let’s see: a man is working on a chain gang. He is a very poor actor and soon some dudes hiding in the tumbleweeds pop up, shoot  a bunch of people and steal off with him. As the scene fades a prison guard is sitting on the ground, weeping. Elsewhere, a man is driving a covered wagon. Next to him is a youth playing with a doll. The men and their newly freed partner approach. The boy in the covered wagon tries to hand-puppet the doll and sell them some soothing snake oil elixir. He botches his sales pitch, the man beats him and the gang shoot the man and take off with the kid.

kobk4Elsewhere, a fat man is eating some soup. “What’d ya put in the soup???” he growls and continues to eat it even though we think that he thinks it’s been poisoned. “I didn’t put anything in the soup” says the man who made the soup and blows the other man’s head off.  “You have to stop killing people” says the man who made the soup’s wife. “Shut up, woman!” Yells the man who made the soup and then kills his wife and throws her dead body into a basement where he has his son imprisoned.  “Your mom will keep you company!!” he yells.

Back at the house where the soup is, the three men, their freed partner and the boy with the doll show up. “My brother’s been shot!” Says the bearded guy below. “We better get him some soup!” Yells the guy who made the soup. So a bunch of them eat the soup, have no reaction to the poison that’s in it, the guy who made the soup tries to cut someone’s finger off so the bearded guy below kills him.

KOBK11Later, they decide to rob a saloon. While the underage boy is getting a blowjob, two of them steal some whore’s money and run out of the front door with the barkeep hot on their tails. Of course, they shoot some people and then, every morning when they wake up, some member of their gang has died a mysterious death. To keep things short, I’ll just tell you that it’s the twin brother of the son of the man who made the soup. HUH? WTF?

If I had to say anything good about this movie I would say that I liked the lady who played the leg spreading whore who stole the treasure map:

kobk5I guess I could also say that I liked the score but it kind of got old after the first three times they used the music. I forgot to mention, there’s also this character in here called Blocky. He’s a giant of a man who goes around quoting the Bible and the first time he’s around a pretty little girl, he hides in the outhouse until she comes to piss in the middle of the night and then rapes and kills her.  Nice, movie. Nice. This was fucking terrible.

On a last note – I want to say thank you to you Good People who still look out here. I know I can barely visit your blogs, much less comment or anything else. I have really NEVER been this continuously busy in my life. There was a time at my old job where we were pretty busy for a few weeks here and there but not five straight fucking months. Sometimes I can get to your site through the stupid fucking reader app on my phone if I’m not at work or on an airplane or in an airport where there’s so much congestion that my own personal Wi-Fi hotspot won’t even work, but the reader barely shows me half of your sites I follow and I apologize to you.

Always love,

ei

33 comments

  1. I’m just impressed knowing that IMDb reviewer has a time machine and has been to the Old West, and therefore can be the judge of what its authentic look and feel would be. We need more movie reviewers like him here on WordPress, I tell you hwhat.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This movie looks dull. But I stumbled across this movie “Ava’s Possessions” on netflix that I think you’d like. I watched it last night and it seems like your kind of movie, so I definitely recommend for you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • theipc

      This movie was stupid – but I DID like Ava’s Possessions! I thought I wrote about that somewhere but maybe I didn’t….

      Like

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