Given the course of human events, this movie should be something I absolutely love. Bad acting, topless chicks, loads of blood, bottomless chicks, bad acting and a lot of spanking. I feel that I tolerate a lot, as I bear witness on this page, and I can deal with the bad shit, but this movie…. was just really, really, really….. not good. I mean, if we look at those Slumber Party Massacre movies I referenced above, the acting and production values were shit BUT it looked like everyone was having a good time. Trust me when I say I didn’t expect too much here but… an 80s slasher throw-back?? Tits and ass?? Blood, blood, blood???? This should have been right up my alley but… it really kind of sucked and I don’t know why exactly. The DP? The sound? The TERRIBLE acting? The lack of substance? I don’t know – I can usually forgive all of that. But I just never got into this thing,
On Wednesday I re-posted another 80s throw-back – a movie that I absolutely love and in it – I recognized that everyone seemed to be having a good time making the thing. Maybe that’s what was missing here – fun. As a reference, to start things out a couple of youths are Making It in some sorority house. The Delta Pi. The house mother comes in and yells at them then goes and drinks from a flask in the trunk of her car. Next up, some chicks are topless and putting on make-up for the big “spank the new girls” tradition at the bonfire. In comes a chick wearing some cowboy boots. As the camera pans up, we see that that’s all she’s wearing and we notice that she has an alarming lack of pubic hair. We also notice that it’s none other than Roxy “Tie me up and fuck me” Vandiver from Spirit Camp! WHOOP!! Stop using the Nair, Roxy!
P.S. Having grown up in the 80s I don’t remember that being the *culture* down there.
Anyway, at the fun times bonfire, the only chick who hasn’t exposed herself yet gets accidentally killed. Elsewhere, the drunk house mother has killed EVERYONE else and we fast forward to 2015 or whenever this stupid thing came out. The daughter of one of the chicks who killed the other chick is going to college! YAY!! Live the dream!! The actress playing her is a miserable as I can imagine but she has a cute blond friend who was easily the best thing about this movie but I can’t remember the character’s name and hardly anyone has any pics of themselves on IMDB. Here she is – playing dead:
So… yep… Delta Pi house is re-opened and someone is going around killing everyone. There’s more boobs, some twins, some more twins, some drugs, an Asian who makes fun of his Asian-ness and blah, blah, blah nothing ever really exciting happens. Everyone just talks their acting and someone sits around another bonfire with her shirt off for around ten straight minutes. I’m not complaining but O _ O.
The day I watched this, before the flight I watched it on, I was sitting in this Mexican place in the airport, having a beer and some chips and guacamole, minding my own fucking business. Being in one of the busiest airports in North America, you can never be alone for more than two seconds before some bothersome person comes up and troubles you. Anyway, there I am, watching some golf when these three hipster douchebags come up to the bar and sit by me. “I’ll have a Bloody Mary” says one of them to the bartender. “What’s that???” asks one of the other dudes who is probably in his late twenties. “It’s a drink with vodka and tomato juice” says the other guy. “WOW!! I’ve never heard of that before!!” says the middle guy. Being on some beer and irritated at having to go out of town, I screamed “YOU’VE NEVER HEARD OF A FUCKING BLOODY MARY????” and then murdered him by ripping out his throat.
You may or may not be making a face like that but this movie has nothing going for it aside from a lot of tits, a lot of spanking and some mediocre blood effects. I know, I know – small budget and all but you can do better than this with a small budget. I think some of the footage I’ve taken for my movie is better than this and I haven’t spent shit (except for the camera) (and the “Who’s your mommy” hotel room). Aside from the awesome movie poster and blondie’s boobs – you’re probably better off without this.