Isaacs Picture Conclusions

END OF DAYS (1999) SATAN IS HORNY

eod1AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH 1999 – what sweet memories you give us. Remember when Y2K was going to end all life on Earth as knew it? Remember when Queensryche got a new guitar player and came out with Q2K? Remember when D.S. and I went to that old strip club down on 10th street and the dancer was in her 60s?? Remember when we drove down to Dallas to get laid and we ended up hanging with the Toadies instead? Remember when we went to Shreveport and stayed up all night playing poker at the casino then Scrotey puked the entire way home? Remember when we walked naked down the street at 3:00 in the morning and someone called the cops on us so we hid in a tree for an hour with bugs crawling all over our naked body? Remember when I pooped in Todd’s front yard?? Ahhhhhhhhh what a day!!

eod2In 1999, both JB and Natasha were NINE YEARS OLD and I was living in an apartment with a roommate. We would regularly stay up all night drinking Scotch and smoking cigarettes and watching movies on VIDEOTAPE. One such movie was End of Days, starring none other than Big Arnie and his considerable acting abilities. As it turns out, it’s 1999 and Satan himself is coming to the Earth to get laid. Apparently this is the only time he can make a Satan baby. He comes up from Hell, incorporates himself into Gabriel Byrne’s body and then immediately grabs some woman’s tit and starts making it with her right there in the middle of the restaurant. Nice!

eod3Elsewhere, Big Schwarzie is a raging alcoholic who grinds up coffee, chinese food and pizza from off the floor in a blender for breakfast. He and Kevin Pollak are security guards who, I guess, are sanctioned by the NYPD to use lethal and destructive force on anyone who gets in their way. As they are escorting a “Wall Street Executive” (Byrne) to work one morning, someone shoots at them so they run across the tops of cars and shoot everything and then get in a helicopter and fly up to the top of a building shooting everything and swinging from rappel ropes and running through the streets pushing everyone over all of that good shit. Eventually they capture their prey  who can talk even though he cut his tongue out.

eod4When I started this the other day, I remembered liking this. I remembered we got to see Robin Tunney’s boobs (after The Craft) and there’s this weird scene where Byrne / Satan has a threesome with a mom and daughter who morph into one person but there are some unbelievable things that go on here that were totally disappointing. Like, in one scene, Schwarzie rescues Tunney (who he has never met) from a group of priests intent on murdering her. They make a run for it and his cop friends show up demanding the girl. He says no and kills the cops without a second thought and I still don’t even think he knew her name yet. Plus, this guy:

eod5Plus, the end of this was totally stupid. *spoilers* I guess. After he’s been crucified, this priest rescues him and he goes and loads up on weapons, Rambo-montage style. He uses some sort of primitive 1999 DOS-DB to find his buddy’s car and heads to the Satan-lair where Byrne is going to Sex-up Tunney. There, he blows some people away and they get on a subway and cause millions of dollars in damage to the New York transit infrastructure. Thinking Satan is dead in the train wreck, they head to a church for some reason and – yep – Satan is back and bigger than ever:

eod6After he blows Satan up with some sort of missile, he then becomes possessed and starts to do some unwarranted Sex on Tunney but he resists, sees the light and then kills himself. MMM HMMM. I didn’t like this the second time around. Plus, after he rescues Tunney from her Satan Orgy, she runs through the subway, the streets of New York and a destructed Church barefoot, and her feet are always shiny and clean.

#consistency people!

Oh well, see you around End of Days. I liked you about as much as the Y2K panic.

36 comments

  1. I remember watching this but I never picked up on how horny Satan was. I just thought having random sex is what you do when your visiting from Hell. I know I would do the same after I lived there for a while. Great post

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Sweet Uncle Pappy G,

    To think Robin Tunney turned out so respectable in The Mentalist.

    Love,
    Kidney

    PS: I don’t think Satan left earth…
    PPS: Arnie was so young!
    PPS: Even I feel old now #not1999Anymore

    Liked by 1 person

    • theipc

      Sweetest Kidney,

      I don’t think Tunney turned out too bad and yes, Satan is every single driver in New Jersey who honks constantly and never uses turn signals.

      LOVE,

      Uncle Pappy

      Like

  3. At least I was 19 in 1999 so I probably could have gone to see this movie… but then I didn’t.

    On 1 June 2016 at 12:01, Isaacs Picture Conclusions wrote:

    > theipc posted: “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH 1999 – what sweet > memories you give us. Remember when Y2K was going to end all life on Earth > as knew it? Remember when Queensryche got a new guitar player and came out > with Q2K? Remember when D.S. and I went to that old st” >

    Liked by 1 person

      • GaryGreg828

        Just stumbled across this new release “Before I Wake” directed by Mike Flanagan. I aim to watch this within the next couple days. Will let you know how it is. I’m assuming you haven’t seen it? I hadn’t heard of it until just a couple minutes ago. Thomas Jane and Kath Bosworth are in it.

        Liked by 1 person

      • GaryGreg828

        No. I actually watched the trailer after you said you didn’t think it looked good, and I have to agree with you, it doesn’t look so great. Now I’m hesitant. To be fair, I’m going to put it on and see where it takes me. If it starts to turn to crap I will be turning off. I’m not very confident about it. It will have a short leash. I will try to give it a go this weekend and report back.

        Liked by 1 person

      • theipc

        I saw the trailer for that in front of some movie in the theater and thought it didn’t look good then later saw he was the director and still wasn’t sold. I’m sure I’ll still watch it someday when I’m trapped on a plane.

        Like

      • GaryGreg828

        He is phenomenal on the series “In Treatment”. I’d place him in the same tier as Daniel Day Lewis; when he speaks in his native tongue and loses the fake accent, he shoots up another couple levels. Since In Treatment I can’t watch him where he’s doing an american accent b/c it’s such an injustice to his true acting capability.

        Like

  4. Tom

    Yeah, this movie’s kind of a pooh sandwich, isn’t it? I used to like it. Now I’m fairly sure I will have reason to hate it just because of Robin Tunney. Atrocious actor man. Atrocious.

    Liked by 1 person

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