Please believe me when I say that I did NOT proactively seek out a 1980s Kevin Costner movie to watch and post about. The truth of the matter is that I haven’t been doing much plane flyin’ lately and that’s where I do 99% of my movie watching so I haven’t seen anything recently. In the very SPARSE downtime I have, I’ve been watching The Path, GoT (of course), Silicon Valley and old All in the Family reruns (You Meathead!!!). Since a lot of people who live in America have an extra day off at the end of May (Memorial Day) I actually had some fucking time to lay around and do nothing. Sooooooooooooo, since I was laying around with Mrs. THE IPC, she said she didn’t want to watch some grisly horror movie so she picked this and…. it wasn’t too bad, for an 80s movie. It had RIDICULOUS 80s music, a lot of errors in both continuity and human logic but it did have a lovely Sean Young slinking around naked or almost naked. MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM Rachael!

Kevin Costner is a seaman who drops into Washington DC for some swanky party where everyone is wearing a bow tie. His buddy, a young and creepy Will Patton shows him around the ballroom and then he catches the eye of Sean Young. He goes to the bar, buys her a vodka, says something like “You’re crazy for me, aren’t you?” and they go and fuck in the back of a limousine where we assume he drops a load or two of his seaman’s semen. Next up, they arrive at Young’s good buddy Iman’s (yep – THAT one) apartment to do some more seaman’s semen unloading before our seaman is shipped off to Manila! Good times in D.C.!!

#squirtsquirt

I guess there are going to be spoilers ahead if anyone cares about this almost 30 year old movie… so our seaman is in love with the semen collector although, the seaman is now employed by another Sean Young semen donor, Gene Hackman. Hackman likes to unload his semen on the sly as he is a married man so Young has to collect his semen after hours and when no one is around. Oh – and Will Patton’s character is also prone to collecting semen – maybe even from seaman.

Anyway, The Seaman and The Semen Collector go off on a weekend trip, unbeknownst to Gene Hackman’s Semen and when they get back, Gene Hackman’s Semen are ready to be Collected. After they get in a big fight, Gene Hackman, full of unreleased semen, throws The Semen Collector over a balcony and she dies, void of Gene Hackman’s Semen. So the big deal here is, The Seaman knows that Gene Hackman and his semen killed The Semen Collector, but his boss is the Secretary of Defense and The Semen Collector had an unfinished polaroid of The Seaman under her bed. So now he (The Seaman) could potentially get fucked without semen if his face is shown by the criminally primitive computers the Pentagon is employing to fix up the polaroid negative..

I have way too many pictures downloaded for this post so let’s drunkenly ramble forward. I am not a guy who likes guys but if I were I would say that I would prefer a hairier chested fellow. I can’t fucking stand when dudes like Hemsworth and Efron take off their shirts and they are shaved bald as a beaver, which isn’t even a hairless animal.  I mean – I shaved my chest once and it itched like a mother fucker for three weeks. Anyway – I thought it was funny and noticeable that, in one scene, Costner is mediocrely acting it up and walking around with no shirt on and his jeans sunk down to his groin area, fully pubed. Do chicks today even know what male pubic hair even looks like? Someone should google Mac Davis – that guy had the hairiest fucking arms I’ve ever seen.

The end of this movie is a little iffy – they could probably have done without it but, I think this was based on a book so they might have had to. Maybe it was more clever in the book? SPOILER!

“We want to hire you, Mr Seaman.”

“Sounds great.”

“P.S. we think there’s a mole in the Pentagon, releasing secrets to the Russians!”

Weeks go by, the things above happen.

“I was the mole the entire time” the movie implicates The Seaman.

Me: “If he was the mole, how would he be sneaking secrets when  he wasn’t employed there before he came back from Manila? OK, if he was the mole, how would they know about him before he started working there? Aside from that, if he’s the mole, he was only there for, like, two weeks. He must not have gotten very much information aside from the value of that jewelry box.” But…. hey:

That pic isn’t even from the movie but I was totally in love with Sean Young before she went batshit. And, for posterity’s sake – I think that chicks that smoke are hot: