Isaacs Picture Conclusions

MARK OF THE WITCH (2014) THE ARTSY FARTSY MOVIE ABOUT SATAN YOU REALLY NEVER NEED TO SEE

motw1So, I had to go back out of town last week and during my eight hour travel day I watched a couple of movies – neither of which I cared much for. The first one was this thing that curiously appears to have a branding design on the poster to compare it to the superior The VVitch without totally and unapologetic-ally stealing the other’s name. #BlackPhillip !!!! When I started to do this piece and looked this up on IMDB, it’s going by the name “Another” with a 2.9 rating. I NEVER give a fuck about IMDB ratings but this one is pretty accurate. The movie LOOKS great (with occasional and displaced dodgy CGI) and the cast is good but the editing and story and lack of focus and unusual use of storytelling that makes no fucking sense really make this a boring and tired what the fuck movie that I doubt anyone will care much about and if I wasn’t trapped on an airplane with nothing else to do I would have turned this off early. If you’re in the mood for #MoreDevil check out Starry Eyes or The Perfume of the Lady in Black instead. Or even the orgy-cal Nude for Satan of you want to get your boners on. #boners

motw2It’s going to be difficult to describe what’s going on in this movie because it’s so all over the fucking place but it starts off with some good-looking-costumed Satan worshipers who are having some sort of ceremony inside some cave and they are about to kill a baby (I think). Some woman doesn’t like this for some reason and steals off with the infant and runs in slow motion for what seems like ten minutes before we cut to “18 years later” and someone is having a birthday party and the old woman below stabs herself in the stomach in what is a very poorly done stab scene.

motw3Soon, this chick:

motw11Let me see if I can relay this back to you… this younger lady is the niece of the lady who stabbed herself in the stomach. After the incident, she has this dream where she is walking around in her underwear, gets raped, makes out with herself, sees a woman with miserable teeth, walks into a strange mansion and sees her dead aunt who gives her her real mother’s locket and tells her that her mother is alive but not really alive because she’s a demon who wants to use her daughter’s soul to come back to life and if she finds herself seducing herself then there’s no return. But, I guess, it wasn’t a dream because she goes to work the next day and finds her co-worker – the guy who had unwanted The Sex with her in her dream – he’s been murdered and it turns out it was actually her who murdered him even though she didn’t and now there’s two of her going around wearing the same clothes. Got it?

motw4Elsewhere, her mom, above, is going around in every scene showing her upper teeth. I really didn’t get it and didn’t understand the constant use of showing her teeth. It was irritating and kind of like if someone was coming around to me ever few minutes and saying the exact same thing over and over just because they recognize me. I once worked with this guy, back in the restaurant days, and we both like the band TOOL.  I worked in the back – in the kitchen – and he was a waiter. Every so often he would have to come into the back to get something out of the walk-in refrigerator and when he would see me he would “sing-scream” some sort of lyric from one of TOOL’s songs and it absolutely irritated me to no fucking end. God damn I hate people some times all the time.

motw8I’m guessing the mom is in league with #TheDevil and the other lady, her sister, is in league with #TheChristianGod and they tend to have epic dream, out of body fights, good against evil style and, because they are witches, they can shoot flames and blue energy out of their hands and kill each other and come back to life in another dream. And do a lot of snarling.

motw5In the end, the end seems to indicate that both of these older women are also their younger selves who were going to kill the baby or something in the beginning. I could be wrong but I wasn’t really paying much attention by the time this was over. I am pretty sure that the WTF ending they tossed out there wasn’t some sort of ejaculation inducing climax (get that?) that marked this as “One of the best films of the year” by whoever that reviewer is at the top of the movie poster. For the other poster here, looks like someone was trying to capitalize on the 666 thing that went popular over the last few years on some really bad movies (11/11/11, 12/12/12, etc):

motw9I don’t know which witch I hated more. The witch with the ugly teeth in this movie or this witch:

motw12In any case, if you’re itching to watching a witch movie, make the switch to this witch:

motw7Trust me!

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