Today, we Americans proudly recognize our traitorous betrayal of the English throne and celebrate our independence!! In honor of that and in honor of hot dogs and beer, here is my somewhat-annual re-visit to this movie i watched six years ago. GO USA!
Today is Independence Day here where I live – the day we celebrate our ancestors rebelling against Tyson’s oppressive and tyrannical, taxing bastard monarchy and set ourselves free!!! “FUCK YOU TAXATION WITHOUT REPRESENTATION!!!!!” We screamed and threw expensive tea into the ocean, wasting it. Then we loaded up muskets and went around shooting everybody like Texans and created a new government that would be run “by the people”. Then we popularized porn and now start wars for election votes and our representatives are all lying fuckers and we owe everyone in the world money, but at least our President single handedly went into Afghanistan and tracked down Bin Laden and submission wrestled him to death. Oh wait – that was just the perception on lovely Facebook.
Anyway – today we break out the grills and eat hot dogs and wear funny hats and go swimmin’ and drink jello shots and celebrate not being dependent on anyone. So, in honor of The Colors That Will Never Run – here’s a special re-posting of RED, WHITE and BLUE! (please note – the actual body of text below was written a couple of years ago, so it reads a little differently then how I go about things these days.)
When I saw the trailer for this, I had the feeling I was going to be impressed by an independent, “hometown” made movie, along the lines of SPLINTER (though not a monster movie) or a city-ish THE PROPOSITION. When I looked it up on IMDB someone was comparing it to I SAW THE DEVIL, so I was hooked. The first thirty minutes of this are kind of interesting as we get introduced to the un-photogenic cast (thus the “hometown” feel I anticipated), but the next hour is terribly boring, with the last fifteen minutes delivering the goods in the “tricked you, sucker” trailer. I do think the acting by these people is good all around, especially by a guy you will remember, but not from where, from a lot of TV commercials. I thought the gritty camera work was nice, but the score was irritating, the violence / gore at the end was VERY gruesome, and the “twist” at the end was, to me: “Really? That really happened? No sir, I don’t buy it.” I don’t really recommend this to anyone unless you want to see a semi-attractive chick have a lot of simulated sex, a weird Charles Manson like dude scowl for an hour and a half or listen to the director’s son’s band rock ‘n roll and act poorly. But – in the sense of fair play, the movie was well produced, looked good, and, as far as “horror” goes – it’s pretty gory.
Spoilers ahead. We are first introduced to the semi-attractive lead actress who walks into a bar and ends up with three dudes for a multi-player fornication session (this is important for later). Next up, she sheds her clothes a few more times for various other strange men who apparently like The French Position. Between these scenes, we also meet the extremely unattractive, emaciated, tattooed, wild hair and bearded co-lead who skulks around their boarding house and refers her for a job opening at the local hardware store he works at. In the meantime, we are also following around the antics of the local garage band (the three dudes who had a lovely time with our lead at the beginning), or, really, their lead singer slash geetar player. While Erica (the lead) is catting around town and Nate (crazy hair) is scowling around after her, Franki (lead singer fellow) is donating his blood to his cancer stricken, good hearted mother. For a boring hour and twenty minutes she bops everyone, Nate moons over her in his grimacy way and Franki finds out his girlfriend has had an affair, which he is pissed about, even though he did too. Then comes the big event.
During his latest blood donation he finds out he now has HIV (which has been injected into his mother through his blood). The nurse asks if he has had any unprotected sex and he says “No”, then, after some reflection, “Oh wait, yes” (remember the opening scene). Now he and his gang go on a vendetta to kidnap Erica (why I am not sure). They steal her away from the local bar where she and Nate are patron-ing and we get a very long, kind of cool scene where Nate searches for her, but somehow luckily finds the accidentally dropped credit card of one of the band members. Did I mention that this scrawny, weird ugly dude has said he is ex-army with a job offer at the CIA? Queue the revenge set-up. Well, Franki’s mom OD-s on her cancer meds (purposely since she now has the HIV), which drives him over the edge so he cuts up poor Erica. The rest of the band discovers this and vows to save her, but, when they get her into the car she becomes among the deceased. Here’s a frowny face : ( .
Coincidentally, Nate’s CIA friend has tracked down the address of the credit card holder and the carnage begins. He butchers the guy and his family, then the drummer, then the bass player and finally there’s a LONG, drawn out scene of Franki’s comeuppance; make no mistake, it’s pretty gross. After that, he heads off into the sunset (declining the CIA job) and, out at a creek (here’s the big spoiler), he burns the picture of his and Erica’s wedding. What? This lady who has been screwing everyone to give them The Virus got married to the weird dude? Hmmm….
Oh well – I always applaud people for making a movie that gets produced and distributed, and, while this isn’t that original of a story, it was definitely original in its violence, but it took a very long time to get there. I would consider this pretty much a yawn-streeeeeeetttttttcccccccchhhhhhhhh-er.
I’m taking the day off today and tomorrow so – I always love it when you leave me comments – so, if you should leave me one and I don’t get right back to you I will – I’m scheduling this to go out in the morning and after I get up we’re heading out to the pool for a day of swimming and BBQ-ing and jello shots and brats and beer : )