Isaacs Picture Conclusions

SATANIC (2016) THE GIRL FROM MODERN FAMILY MADE A POOR CHOICE

satanic1First off, I’d like to go on record and state that I hate that movie poster so fucking much that it goes on the #BazookaList and I can’t put that out as my featured image so I’ll free associate Sarah Hyland to Sofia Vergara’s mighty bosom and use a classy picture of her as my image instead. Secondly, I haven’t been traveling much lately but I’ve still been busier than fuck so, when I have ten free minutes I have watched Marcella and just started Hinterland. It takes me about three days to get through an hour long TV show (Mrs The IPC and I watch other things when I am off work) so there’s nothing exciting to report on that front other than Marcella was great and Hinterland is good but it’s fucking Welsh and I can barely understand the English they speak. Lastly, this movie was really fucking lame.

satanic2Haley Dunphy and her buddies are going across the country visiting the most evil places ever. Like the Helter Skelter house and Anton Levey’s original workshop. No one does a particularly good job of acting and nothing is frightening and eventually they rescue a half clothed girl from a Satanic ritual. OH! Note: towards the beginning they are lost in Los Angeles at night and see a girl screaming at them from some abandoned building’s window.

satanic4AW SNAP!! Old boy dropped his cell phone at the ritual and now they’re all up shit creek!!! Well, the girl they saved has his phone, calls them for a drop off and then comes back to their hotel for some partying, beer drinking, dancing and girl on girl kissing.

satanic8Then, naturally, as all homeless, hobo, mystery girls do, she draws a pentagram on the wall, disrobes and kills herself by slitting her own throat. *Spoilers* Guess what? Then all of the rest of them start dying in various ways and *What the fuck people* the girl screaming at them from the abandoned building’s window is Haley Dunphy herself. So they throw some time warping bullshit in here for no fucking reason??? UGH.

satanic5You might be surprised to learn that when I googled “Satanic movie 2016′ I found a lot of very bizarre images involving naked women with very hairy – um – hoo haws, lots of images of the movie The VVitch, some dongs, Kevin Hart, Ethan Hawke and, most importantly, Ellen Page. I don’t know who tagged her as “Satan” but I can go along with that.

satanic6I also saw a reference to Prince of Darkness!! YES!! One of my favorite movies! If you’re interested in getting your Satan on – I would totally point you in that direction instead of this shit.

P.S.

satanic7

32 comments

  1. Sweetest Pappy

    I absolutely love how random (or disturbing) Google searches can turn out.

    This sounds stupid. The Modern Family girl obviously has no idea how to properly get fame to work for her.

    Love,
    Kidney

    Liked by 1 person

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