Isaacs Picture Conclusions

LUKE ABBOTT INTERPRETS: BLOOD SAND (2015)

We don’t post around here so much any longer but when we do, we try and have fun. Without further ado, we present one of our older features where The Oracle of Film tries to interpret my thoughts on a movie based only on pictures I drunkenly lift from the internet. Presenting: BLOOD SAND!

And it is a pleasure to be back, Mr. Isaacs. I fondly remember this series where I tried to figure out the plot of a movie using only the pictures Eric graciously gave me. I seem to remember it was never quite enough to go on. The poster gives me a good idea of what to expect though. Naked girls who don’t know how to ‘beach’ properly. The girl in the middle looks like she has just realised she has forgotten her sun tan lotion. “NO! THE SUN RAYS! ANYTHING BUT THE SUN RAYS!”

Wow! We got boobs already. That is way ahead of schedule. The director must have no faith in his movie. She is doing that pose I love so much too: half conscious. I am going to like this movie!

Oh! I get it! This movie is called Blood Sand. And there was a series in Spartacus about Blood and Sand. That… or Eric just wanted to get a picture of Lucy Lawless into his blog. Either reason is perfectly valid.

Now the movie appears to be teaching its viewers about safety tips while doing star jumps. The main moral is: you are on your own, because the crowd behind her could not give two flying fucks.

My favourite thing about this picture is not the undressed girls, but the fact that the cop’s face is so bored… like he deals with this shit on a daily basis. It’s like: “girls, you need to be inside the car to drive it!”, while thinking “Really, this shit again, Debra!”

FUCK ME! There is not enough after sun in the world to deal with that shit. His face has just abandoned his head like… “listen dude, my looks are doing the best they can here, bud, but if you aren’t going to work out and lose that beer belly, we are not getting any puss-puss. So I am just going to find a new partner.”

And that face did find a new body. And that body found love. In a bull ring. Man, movies can be so deep.

Yet, romance doesn’t answer what the hell the ‘Blood Sand’ of the film is. We are no closer to learning the secrets of this movie. This picture doesn’t help too much either, essentially depicting a woman explode onto a beach.

OK, well… nope… not a fucking clue… other than, naked unconscious lady or not… I am not going near a beach again! Good bye!

Wait… so it was me all along? The Oracle of Film was the killer.

Yeah, that makes sense…

I am going to check out this movie for real and review it properly on my own blog over at the Oracle of Film, so check that out. It will be ready for the 29th November. Save the date. And wear sun tan lotion!

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