Hello! It’s holiday time around here and who doesn’t love a good Christmas Slasher? I do! That Black Christmas remake is one of my favorites (despite public disapproval) and how about Don’t open til Christmas??? Remember the good old days of the movie blog world? We used to have some fun! Anyway, I thought I would come out and warn everyone about this thing – in case you’re like me and hiding upstairs while the housecleaner does her job downstairs – this movie starts off OK and then quickly – and shaky-cam-edly goes bad. I respect that people get things made but this…. this needs (needed) some help… i wouldn’t waste your time, for real, it seemed like it was five hours long and just got longer as time went on….
Things start off good – a nice family is preparing for a nice Christmas in Australia. A mom is cooking a ham, the dad is smoking weed, the boy with Down’s Syndrome is screaming Shakespeare, the 15 month pregnant sister is yelling with the unable to get pregnant sister and someone gets his cock ripped off. I’m guessing this is a typical day down there. Then this dude shows up at the front door:
He’s covered head to toe in bandages and black cloth and he has a letter he wrote to his mommy. All right. Good. First grievance: how did he write his penmanship so well? He doesn’t even know what a ‘present’ is and he can barely move his fucking fingers. Plus, who fucking named him ‘Cletus’? Also – after 20 years, how does he know who his mommy is? Or where she lives? Or how to even walk since his bandages ‘keep his skin on’? I guess I’m missing something but I am kind of a Chop.
Shortly after he shows up,
the staff the director someone changes everything from natural lighting to dismal shades of red, green or blue, muffles the sound to whispers or cries and starts the shaky cam. It was so irritating i couldn’t even stand it, couldn’t really follow what was going on and the housecleaner was running the vacuum so I couldn’t hear it.
Go, go green! More green!! #spoilerupnext
At one point somewhere near the never-ending end, the Down’s Syndrome boy gets upset that his mom tried to kill his brother… he locks her in a closet and then confronts Cletus, offering him his Santa cap as an olive branch, I guess. He then lets her loose, she kills him and runs into this in the living room. I am really not trying to be a dick but i really did have a laugh when they did this reveal. Let me see if I can lighten it up for you.
There we go… i was not in love with this thing. The movie or the bad guy. Pros – not really much. Cons – lots; the ground level film angles, the coloring / lighting, the inconstancies with the killer, the shaky cam, lots of Dee Wallace screaming “JEREMY, GO UPSTAIRS!!!!!!” or “JEREMY, GO DOWNSTAIRS!!!!!”
I guess I can’t be disappointed if i had no expectations but this was really bad.