Isaacs Picture Conclusions

THE BLOODY BALLAD OF SQUIRT REYNOLDS (2018) HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!

Aside from holding the golden cup with “BEST MOVIE TITLE EVER” stenciled in it, this 8 minute movie lived up to its name and I totally loved it. Some kid, in the 70s, had a lip deformity so he hid his face behind a plastic Burt Reynolds mask, complete with pitch black caterpillar mustache. I don’t remember how, but one night he puts it on and it burns permanently on to his face so he runs off screaming into the woods. The only thing ever to come of him, legend has it, is – on a quiet night, out in the fog, you can hear the nightmarish and haunting sounds of him ———-> weightlifting!!!!

Ching ching ching!! Chong Chong chong!! He pushes and pushes and pushes himself to no end until he will come back to this fucking summer camp and extract his horrifying and bloody revenge!! At least that’s how the ballad goes. The two cute girls attending camp this year, tired of this song, head off into the woods ——> to start kissing! Because! Before too long they hear a limb crack! Because:

Theres a bunch to like about this movie – at least to a guy like me. For one, the wisping fog is relentless and that’s a crack up. I also liked that he’s still wearing the same shirt he was wearing as a kid. Also, and this is probably no big spoiler, but the two girls run away from Squirt in different directions . Because! Anyway, just when you’re sure one of them is dead, we hear her whispering from the trees for her friend to come hide with her. When she gets there, we see Squirt standing over her friend’s dead body, holding her ripped out larynx to his mouth talking in her voice! Hahahahahahaha!! Fucking brilliant!

Lastly, at one point Squirt approaches this guy that’s been playing the guitar and singing the whole time, wraps his guitar strings around his face and in the next cut, his head plops to the ground in eight different pieces, like a sliced ham. And it’s in perfect shape! Yes! Good job, team! The acting is what it is, the dialogue is the same, but its 8 minutes of wonderful you shouldn’t miss the next time you take your Afternoon Constitutional.

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