Author Archives: theipc

GOAT WITCH (2014) THAT DEMON WAS KIND OF HOT

November 6, 2019 by theipc

A very naked witch and her Witness gather inside a circle of candles to perform a ritual the will help her transcend this reality and show her the dark core of the universe. Lofty expectations! This isn’t the movie where the lady fucks the goat so don’t worry about that here. This also isn’t the movie where the drunken burnout faces off against the Goatman of Bowie, Texas. This is the one where the naked lady summons two undead elders […]

Categories: Boobs, Death and Destruction, Four Top Hats, Movie Reviews, SATAN!, Short Film, Very Gory • Tags: #tacos, Ashleigh Jones Sizemore, athena sanchez, Boobs, earrings, goat witch movie, James Sizemore, Maia Costello, nipples, the universe's dark core, undead

THE BLOODY BALLAD OF SQUIRT REYNOLDS (2018) HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!

October 30, 2019 by theipc

Aside from holding the golden cup with “BEST MOVIE TITLE EVER” stenciled in it, this 8 minute movie lived up to its name and I totally loved it. Some kid, in the 70s, had a lip deformity so he hid his face behind a plastic Burt Reynolds mask, complete with pitch black caterpillar mustache. I don’t remember how, but one night he puts it on and it burns permanently on to his face so he runs off screaming into the […]

Categories: 80s, Death and Destruction, Excitement, Four Top Hats, Grindhouse, I LOVED IT, No Boobs, Slasher • Tags: Anthony cousins, briana patnode, kissing, lana mattson, No Boobs, Slasher, squirt Reynolds, Summer Camp, the bloody ballad of squirt Reynolds

CRAWL (2019) SCODELARIO VS. THE ALLIGATORS

October 23, 2019 by theipc

Let’s start this off with a few quick remarks about some things. I don’t know shitfuck about alligators except that they are the reason I don’t go into fresh bodies of water. I don’t know that if they bite your arm your arm comes clean off or not. I don’t know the difference between an alligator and a crocodile. I don’t know why I get in trouble for calling people that live in England “British ” and I don’t know […]

Categories: Death and Destruction, Four Top Hats, Grindhouse, Movie Reviews, No Boobs, Thriller, Very Gory • Tags: Alexandre Aja, ALLIGATORS, BARRY PEPPER, crawl movie review, Kaya Scodelario, LEGS, No Boobs, they don't kill the dog

MIDSOMMAR (2019) THIS IS WHY WE DON’T FUCK WITH SWEDISH HIPPIES

October 16, 2019 by theipc

Dude. Bro. Chief. Friendo. You can’t unsee some of the practical effects in this fucker. I even had to look away a couple of times. Are you in for some head smashing? Flaying? Unattractive cooters? This may be the movie for you! Read that in your best Stefan from Saturday Night Live voice because this has it all including people being burned alive and a super long pole dancing scene reminiscent of the video for Safety Dance. Speaking of that, […]

Categories: Boobs, Death and Destruction, Drama, Four Top Hats, GROSS!!, Very Gory • Tags: ari asters, BEAVERS, Boobs, Dongs, florence Pugh, Gross, gunnel fred, isabelle grill, Midsommar

STAY (2017) WHO’S IN LOVE WITH A HAIRY DEMON? CAROL.

October 9, 2019 by theipc

Another one of the Alter short films, I absolutely loved this thing. It’s funny, sexy, Satan-y and even a little bloody. Great job team! I don’t know if I can pull off a full piece on an 8 minute movie but we’ll see what happens. Maybe I’ll start drinking beer and ramble on and on about something irrelevant and stupid, which is not unexpected at this place. I’ll also have to spoil but can you really spoil an 8 minute […]

Categories: Four Top Hats, I LOVED IT, JIZZ, No Boobs, SATAN! • Tags: alter, Anna seregina chris Lee, Davey johnson, David mikalson, Kate freund, nicole bagby, satan! lindsay ames, stay short film 2017

A TRIPLET OF MOVIES FROM THE ALTER SHORT FILM COLLECTION pt 1

October 2, 2019 by theipc

Are you familiar with the Short Horror Film community on YouTube? Should you be? Well – it exists. Over the last year or so, I’ve watched some really good ones and some big time shiteaters – but one thing that seems to be solid is the company ALTER. They seem to encourage quality production, good acting and the – often – good story. It seems this is difficult to match in a 6 – 15 minute movie, but they seem […]

Categories: Drama, Four Top Hats, GROSS!!, I'm Stupid, JIZZ, SATAN!, Very Gory • Tags: Alexandra nolan, allison winn, alter short horror films, backstroke shirt film, boxroom short film, Butts, Demons, Dongs, east hell short film, erika mcgann, goats, Gross, Jennifer rostami, josefine christoffersen, Lauren nicole cipoletti, Satan!!, siri Miller, the gaze short film, wall taco

RAMBO: LAST BLOOD (2019) AAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWW SHIT!!

September 25, 2019 by theipc

I’ve seen a bunch of people talking shit about this movie and what the fuck? What did these ‘film critics ‘ expect from Rambo 5?? A nice treatise about the experience of an elderly Vietnam veteran living peacefully on a ranch, wistfully reflecting on his experiences in the jungle? A sweet and nostalgic rendering of life in the 70s told through the eyes of an aging man to his adoptive daughter? What the fuck? This is Rambo goddammit and he […]

Categories: Death and Destruction, Excitement, Four Top Hats, I LOVED IT, No Boobs, Very Gory • Tags: I'm gonna hurt you real bad, Paz Vega, Rambo, rambo last blood, Sylvester Stallone, Very Gory

ESCAPE ROOM (2019) IT HAS THE HOT CHICK FROM TRUE BLOOD IN IT

September 19, 2019 by theipc

First off, if I want to do a piece out here on this site I pay dearly for, I have to do it on my phone and my old eyes suck so these images I tried to capture are not the best and I couldn’t find a good poster for this thing that I liked so there’s that. Second, a lot of people dog on PG-13 horror (me) for their lack of anything horror-y but someone told me this was […]

Categories: Movie Reviews, No Boobs, Three Top Hats • Tags: Deborah Ann wall, escape room movie, it's ok, Jessica sutton, no booobs, Taylor Russell, Tyler lebine

BRIGHTBURN (2019) THREE PIECES OF BROKEN LIGHTBULB IN YOUR EYE

September 12, 2019 by theipc

Remember that mean, median, mode chart you studied in school that never had anything to do with anything in your life? That’s about how this goes. It starts off a little shaky, gets pretty good in the middle and then kind of shits its pants at the end. Do you know about this movie? I’m going to talk about the ending but it’s not some huge spoiler because this isn’t a mystery or some kitchy movie with a big twist, […]

Categories: GROSS!!, No Boobs, Three Top Hats, Thriller, Very Gory • Tags: Anne Humphrey, brightburn, David denman, Elizabeth Banks, emmie hunter, Jennifer Holland, meredith hagner, No Boobs, Roy from the office

ALONG CAME THE DEVIL (2018) BETTER THAN A PUNCH TO THE BALLS

September 3, 2019 by theipc

Have you ever been punched in the balls? I have. There’s crippling pain, extreme nausea and the quick transformation to Barry Gibbs-ish falsetto. While the casual reader will identify my writing as producing those same symptoms, this movie doesn’t. It’s not going to inspire you to do mythical feats of amazing greatness or conquer that thesis you’ve been working on for years, but it’s not too bad. You can tell they tried and I kind of liked how it ended. […]

Categories: Devil Week, Four Top Hats, No Boobs, SATAN! • Tags: along came the devil, Jessica barth, Madison lintz, no balls, No Boobs, Sydney sweeney

DRAGGED ACROSS CONCRETE (2018) NO ONE GETS DRAGGED ACROSS CONCRETE

April 1, 2019 by theipc

Well, I figured since I pay for this place I might as well use it once a year. I’ve tried doing posts on my phone but that’s fucking terrible – torture for a guy like me – today I have a little time with my iPad so let’s see what happens. I haven’t really watched much lately aside from TV shows but I figured I might as well cover this since I’ve done his other movies. Remember when Bone Tomahawk […]

Categories: Boobs, Death and Destruction, Drive - In, Four Top Hats, Noir, Thriller • Tags: Boobs, Butts, don johnson, dragged across concrete, Gibson’s car needs shock absorbers, goggles, GUNS, Mel Gibson, smoking, The Sex, Vince Vaughn

MOTHER! (2017) ARONOFSKY PORKS THE OLD TESTAMENT

September 21, 2018 by theipc

This thing is basically going to talk about the end so: SPOILERS. Out of the few Aronofsky films I’ve seen, I hated them all. There’s that for you. So when I finally had a chance to watch the movie where they eat a baby, I gave it as shot figuring I would hate it but I didn’t. It wasn’t enjoyable but it was far better than the wretched The Wrestler which I absolutely loathed so much that I wanted to […]

Categories: 2018, Boobs, Death and Destruction, Three Top Hats, Very Gory • Tags: Boobs, Dongs, Ed Harris, Javier Barden, Jebus, Jennifer Lawrence, Michelle Pfeifer, mother! movie review, worthless allegory

KILLER KART (2012) THE SHOPPING CART RISETH

September 14, 2018 by theipc

I don’t have as much time to watch movies like I was able to when I stepped away three years ago and I don’t have to be imprisoned in a fucking airplane/airport for 13 hours twice a week, but I have found that I can sneak in a short film on YouTube every now and then. The ones I’ve watched have been around 15 to 30 minutes and they have mostly been quite good. Soooooo let’s see if we can […]

Categories: 2018, Death and Destruction, Four Top Hats, I LOVED IT, Uncategorized • Tags: christine Rodriguez, decapitations, elly Schaefer, grocery carts, Guts, james Feeney, killer kart, ray bouchard, short films

HEREDITARY GOES BALLS DEEP{

September 11, 2018 by theipc

I’m bored at work today for the first time in three years so I’m trying an experiment and doing a post from my phone. Normally I wouldn’t bother with this kind of shit but let’s see what happens. I’m sure I’ll fuck something up. This is a really well made movie. Toni Colette acts her non-nude ass off. The writer / director uses some of that Old School Devilness that we all grew up on, learning which level of Hell […]

Categories: 2018, Four Top Hats, Ghosts, No Boobs, SATAN!, Uncategorized • Tags: chopped off heads, Gabriel Byrne, hereditary, No Boobs, Satan!!, toni Colette

JB AND THE CHOP DO: BOOK OF SHADOWS: BLAIR WITCH TWO

February 20, 2018 by theipc

As always, I’m too late to the dance and missed the initial post about this one. But – want to see what we thought of this miserable piece of shit?? OOPS – spoilers! Click the poster above if you haven’t already!

Categories: 2018, Boobs, Found Footage, FUCKING TERRIBLE, JB & THE CHOP, Movie Reviews, Nothing, Population Sample, SATAN!, Two Top Hats • Tags: book of shadows: blair witch two, CRAP, Daniel Myrick, Eduardo Sanchez, Erica Leerhsen, Heather Donahue, Jeffrey Donovan, Joe Berlinger, Joshua Leonard, Kim Director, Michael C. Williams, Patricia DeCou, shit, Stephen Barker Turner, the blair witch project

JB AND THE CHOP DO: THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT (1999)

February 9, 2018 by theipc

Hello and welcome to another installment of the JB and The Chop Project. I’ve been out of touch for a while now – how old are you guys these days? Do you remember this movie fondly? Did it scare the piss out of you when you were a kid and saw it for the first time? I remember our old blog friend Tyson loved it and – I think – gave it a ten out of ten. He is also […]

Categories: 2018, FUCKING TERRIBLE, Ghosts, HUH???, JB & THE CHOP, Movie Reviews, No Boobs, Population Sample, Two Top Hats • Tags: Daniel Myrick, Eduardo Sanchez, Heather Donahue, Joshua Leonard, Michael C. Williams, Patricia DeCou, shit, the blair witch project

JB AND THE CHOP DO: AMITYVILLE: THE AWAKENING (2017) BETTER THAN A PUNCH IN THE BALLS

December 15, 2017 by theipc

But not by much… click above to head over and see some of this: And a little bit of this: But none of this: And you definitely won’t feel like this:

Categories: 2017, BOOOOOOOORING!!!!, FUCKING TERRIBLE, JB & THE CHOP, Nothing, One Top Hat • Tags: a babysitter locked in the closet, a terrible pile of shit, Amityville 3-D, amityville 4: the evil escapes, amityville exorcism, Amityville: A New Generation (1993), amityville: the awakening, Amityville: The Demon, Andrew Douglas, Andrew Prine, asshole father, bella thorne in her underwear, blood dripping walls, Boobs, braces, Brandy Gold, Burt Young, bushy bears, candle wax, Candy Clark, Casey Campbell, Cassandra Gava, cheetos, Chloe Grace Moretz, David Naughton, Dawna Wightman, demon in a well, Demons, Devin Clark, Diane Franklin, don't put you're hand in the fucking garbage disposal idiot, elevators, evil cats, Flies, Fredric Lehne, fuck continuity in its butthole, Fucking Stupid, ghost sex, Gracie Largent, GUNS, hangings, haunted mirrors, Helen Hughes, Helen Shaver, holes to hell, incest, Insane Asylum, Jack Magner, James Brolin, james brolin's nuts, James Carolus, James Olson, Jane Wyatt, Jeff Kirkendall, Jennifer Jason Leigh, Jimmy Bennett, Julia Nickson, Kim Coates, Lala Sloatman, Lin Shaye, lois lane's boobs, lois lane's butt, Lori Loughlin, Margot Kidder, Marie DeLorenzo, Meg Ryan, Melissa George, microfiche, miserable graphics, more blood dripping walls, more flies, MUTANTS, not even in amityville, overalls, patty duke, Philip Baker Hall, Piper Kennedy, possessed lamp, Rachel Nichols, Richard Roundtree, Robert Joy, Robert Rusler, Rod Steiger, ronald reagan, Ross Partridge, Rutanya Alda, RYAN REYNOLDS, Sandor Stern. Patty Duke, Satan and his Buddies, satanic wood, scary houses, shotguns, Side Boob, smoking, squish squish squish, super gramma, terrible 90s hairdos, Terry O'Quinn, Tess Harper, The Amityville Curse (1989), the amityville haunting, The Amityville Horror (1979), The Amityville Horror (2005), the amityville playhouse, the guy from the stepfather, tight underwear, Tony Roberts, turd monster, two sex scenes, uke Barnett, unremarkable, Zoe Trilling

RED CHRISTMAS (2016) YOU’VE BEEN WARNED

December 14, 2017 by theipc

Hello! It’s holiday time around here and who doesn’t love a good Christmas Slasher? I do! That Black Christmas remake is one of my favorites (despite public disapproval) and how about Don’t open til Christmas??? Remember the good old days of the movie blog world? We used to have some fun! Anyway, I thought I would come out and warn everyone about this thing – in case you’re like me and hiding upstairs while the housecleaner does her job downstairs […]

Categories: 2017, Australian, No Boobs, Nothing, Slasher, Two Top Hats • Tags: a butt, abnormal eyeball, cletus, cool poster, Dee Wallace, foot, Geoff Morrell, Gory, HUMPING, No Boobs, Not Good, poor lighting, red christmas, Sarah Bishop, split in half, Thrusty Sex, ugggghhhhh, Weed

TO SHITFEST OR NOT TO SHITFEST, THIS IS THE ETERNAL QUESTION

November 29, 2017 by theipc

For the last 10,000 years, both Homo Erectus and Home Sapiens (as well as Homo Ergaster, or Homo Rudolfensis, and perhaps even Homo Habilis) have looked to the skies and the stars at night and asked themselves two things: Why are those round things on that chick’s chest so yummy?? Should we have a Shitfest?? It seems that over the last two years our community of bloggers has dimmed. Granted, with my current situation, I’m not able to get to […]

Categories: 2017, Australian, Boobs, BOOOOOOOORING!!!!, Cannibal Bastards, Cenobites, CLAM AND PEN, Death and Destruction, Drive - In, Excitement, Five Top Hats, Found Footage, Four Top Hats, FUCKING TERRIBLE, Ghosts, Giallo, Grindhouse, GROSS!!, HUH???, JIZZ, Most Unclean, Movie Reviews, Nothing, One Top Hat, SATAN!, Sci - Fi, WHOSE BOOBS???, WHY???, WOAH! • Tags: #monicabelluccisboobs, Boobs, homo erectus, never trust a fart, SHITFEST!!

LUKE ABBOTT INTERPRETS: BLOOD SAND (2015)

November 28, 2017 by theipc

We don’t post around here so much any longer but when we do, we try and have fun. Without further ado, we present one of our older features where The Oracle of Film tries to interpret my thoughts on a movie based only on pictures I drunkenly lift from the internet. Presenting: BLOOD SAND! And it is a pleasure to be back, Mr. Isaacs. I fondly remember this series where I tried to figure out the plot of a movie […]

Categories: 2017, Boobs, Excitement, HUH???, Three Top Hats • Tags: blood beach, blood sand, Boobs, boobs in the sand, Brooke Butler, Cynthia Murell, Dongs, Eyeballs, killer sand, lucy lawless, luke abbott interprets, Meagan Holder, Nikki Leigh, the sand, tits, you ate sand??

JB AND THE CHOP PRESENT: SCREAM 4

November 24, 2017 by theipc

Well fuck, our latest run is over : (((((((((((((((((((( CRY CRY CRY But don’t worry, we’ve got big plans and they don’t involve stunt doubles! Here’s the first official teaser: In any case – since everyone is so litigious these days, does JB sue me for liking this sequel? Or – does the public produce a Class Action Lawsuit against me? It wouldn’t be the first time, either way. THANKS JB!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TALK SOON!!

Categories: 2017, Death and Destruction, Four Top Hats, JB & THE CHOP, No Boobs • Tags: Courteney Cox, David Arquette, Drew Barrymore, Elise Neal, franchise reviews, ghostface, Girl in Dorm Hallway, Heather Graham, Jada Pinkett Smith, Jamie Kennedy, JB AND THE CHOP, jerry o'connell, Joshua Jackson, Kelly Rutherford, Kevin Williamson, Lance Henriksen, Laurie Metcalf, Liev Schreiber, Linda Blair, Lisa Canning, Luke Wilson, Lynn McRee, Marisol Nichols, Matthew Lillard, Nancy O'Dell, Neve Campbell, No Boobs, Omar Epps, Patrick Dempsey, Portia de Rossi, Rebecca Gayheart, Rebecca McFarland, Rose McGowan, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Scott Foley, scream franchise, Selma Blair, Skeet Ulrich, teets, Telecommunications Act of 1934, Timothy Olyphant, Tori Spelling, W. Earl Brown, Wes Craven

JB AND THE CHOP PRESENT: SCREAM 3

November 17, 2017 by theipc

Without any references to Harvey Weinstein, Brett Ratner, Kevin Spacey, Adrienne King, Amy Steel, Barbara Howard, Betsy Palmer, Bonnie Hellman, Boobs, Catherine Parks, Corey Feldman, Crispin Glover, Dana Kimmell, Debra S. Hayes, Erich Anderson, Gloria Charles, Jeannine Taylor, John Furey, Joseph Zito, Judie Aronson, Kevin Bacon, Kimberly Beck, Kirsten Baker, Lauren-Marie Taylor, Laurie Bartram, Peter Barton, Richard Brooker, Robbi Morgan, Sean S. Cunningham, Steve Miner, Tracie Savage or Walt Gorney, JB and I have words about the third installment of the […]

Categories: 2017, 90s, JB & THE CHOP, Movie Reviews, No Boobs, Slasher, Three Top Hats, Thriller • Tags: Courteney Cox, David Arquette, Drew Barrymore, Elise Neal, franchise reviews, ghostface, Girl in Dorm Hallway, Heather Graham, Jada Pinkett Smith, Jamie Kennedy, JB AND THE CHOP, jerry o'connell, Joshua Jackson, Kelly Rutherford, Kevin Williamson, Lance Henriksen, Laurie Metcalf, Liev Schreiber, Linda Blair, Lisa Canning, Luke Wilson, Lynn McRee, Marisol Nichols, Matthew Lillard, Nancy O'Dell, Neve Campbell, No Boobs, Omar Epps, Patrick Dempsey, Portia de Rossi, Rebecca Gayheart, Rebecca McFarland, Rose McGowan, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Scott Foley, scream franchise, Selma Blair, Skeet Ulrich, teets, Telecommunications Act of 1934, Timothy Olyphant, Tori Spelling, W. Earl Brown, Wes Craven

JB AND THE CHOP PRESENT: SCREAM 2

November 10, 2017 by theipc

The Telecommunications Act of 1934 established: “For the purpose of regulating interstate and foreign commerce in communication by wire and radio so as to make available, so far as possible, to all the people of the United States, without discrimination on the basis of race, color, religion, national origin, or sex, a rapid, efficient, Nationwide, and world-wide wire and radio communication service with adequate facilities at reasonable charges, for the purpose of the national defense, for the purpose of promoting […]

Categories: 2017, 90s, JB & THE CHOP, Movie Reviews, No Boobs, Slasher, Three Top Hats • Tags: Courteney Cox, David Arquette, Drew Barrymore, Elise Neal, franchise reviews, ghostface, Girl in Dorm Hallway, Heather Graham, Jada Pinkett Smith, Jamie Kennedy, JB AND THE CHOP, jerry o'connell, Joshua Jackson, Kevin Williamson, Laurie Metcalf, Liev Schreiber, Linda Blair, Lisa Canning, Luke Wilson, Lynn McRee, Marisol Nichols, Matthew Lillard, Nancy O'Dell, Neve Campbell, No Boobs, Omar Epps, Portia de Rossi, Rebecca Gayheart, Rebecca McFarland, Rose McGowan, Sarah Michelle Gellar, scream franchise, Selma Blair, Skeet Ulrich, teets, Telecommunications Act of 1934, Timothy Olyphant, Tori Spelling, W. Earl Brown, Wes Craven

JB AND THE CHOP PRESENT: SCREAM

November 3, 2017 by theipc

We came! We saw! I left! I returned! We talked! We agreed! We watched the Scream movies! We wrote! We ate Tabasco flavored beef jerky! We used exclamation points! We typed in all caps and had to erase and retype! We misspelled erase! Twice! As always, click the pic above to direct over to our post! Free parking!

Categories: 2017, 90s, JB & THE CHOP, Movie Reviews, No Boobs, Population Sample, Slasher, Three Top Hats, Thriller • Tags: Courteney Cox, David Arquette, Drew Barrymore, franchise reviews, ghostface, Jamie Kennedy, JB AND THE CHOP, Kevin Williamson, Liev Schreiber, Linda Blair, Lisa Canning, Lynn McRee, Matthew Lillard, Neve Campbell, No Boobs, Rose McGowan, scream franchise, Skeet Ulrich, teets, W. Earl Brown, Wes Craven

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Isaacs Picture Conclusions

An Honest Review from an Honest (and Gassy) Guy (who doesn't take things too seriously)