Category Archives: Hostages

CARNAGE PARK (2016) I LOVED IT! JB DIDN’T : (

July 20, 2016 by theipc

Not many people come to this place any longer – which is just fine – I just state that because the name JB may be forgotten or unknown to newer folks. JB is the alter ego of Zoë who resides here. We’ve collaborated on a ton of shit over the years and while this isn’t one of those, she still watched this on a recommendation from me and I don’t think she was totally pleased. For anyone who still looks […]

Categories: 2016, 70s, Death and Destruction, Four Top Hats, Grindhouse, Hostages, I LOVED IT, JB & THE CHOP, No Boobs • Tags: Ashley Bell, burlesque show, carnage park movie 2016, Darby Stanchfield, Gory, Grindhouse, gruesome, gullies, Hostages, I Loved It, James Landry Hébert, Mickey Keating, Moustaches, No Boobs, Pat Healy, robberies, sick fuck, sideburns, sniper

TIGER HOUSE (2015) FOUR CROSSBOWS TO THE LEG

April 4, 2016 by theipc

For any of the six Good Beloved People who still read this site – you may recall that I built this place to talk about all of the shitty horror movies I watch – on purpose – so we can have a bunch of drinks and get our tits out and rail on super-shit movies without getting in trouble on our work servers. And – for anyone with some short term memory – I’ve been on a roll of seeing […]

Categories: 2016, Four Top Hats, Hostages, No Boobs, Thriller • Tags: crossbows, Dougray Scott, Ed Skrein, house invasion, Julie Summers, Kaya Scodelario, No Boobs, no raping, robberies, Scoledario is hot, Tiger House Movie 2015, Weed

I’M SORRY: Part One

March 28, 2016 by theipc

Hello and welcome to a new feature here at Isaacs Picture Conclusions! Am I actually in a state of regret?? Well…. always… but that more resembles public shame… No – what we’re talking about today refers to this version of the definition: 2. in a poor or pitiful state or condition. “he looks a sorry sight with his broken jaw” And – more importantly – this sorry fucking movie: This fucking movie starts off as a first person POV following […]

Categories: 2016, Boobs, BOOOOOOOORING!!!!, FUCKING TERRIBLE, Hostages, HUH???, I'm Sorry, I'm Stupid, Nothing, One Top Hat, WHY??? • Tags: Caitlen Masters, Deanna Pak, Greg Gilardi, Heather Paige Cohn, I'm Sorry, Joi Liaye, Omar Gooding, one of the worst movie ever, pee in a bucket, pistol blowjobs, prom ride movie, TERRIBLE BULLSHIT, The Sex, Theresa Ireland, Tracy "Stresh" Mcnulty, Victoria Levine

HALF ASS REVIEWS: PRIMER AND UPSTREAM COLOR

August 31, 2015 by theipc

PRIMER (2004)In Primer, two knuckleheads wearing neck ties go around slurping drinks, eating hamburgers and talking constantly about a product they’re developing. They NEVER shut their mouths, even when they’re eating or playing basketball and it turns out they invented a device that does time travel. This movie is very confusing and nothing is ever explained but I get it. Sure I get it but I wish they would shut their fucking mouths for one second while I think about […]

Categories: 2015, BOOOOOOOORING!!!!, Drama, Hostages, HUH???, I'm Stupid, No Boobs, Nothing, Three Top Hats, Two Top Hats, WHY??? • Tags: #nooatmeal, #satanicbestiesforever, #satanicdoorknobs, #thebestdeadbody, Amy Seimetz, Brina Palencia, Carolyn King, Carrie Crawford, Casey Gooden, David Sullivan, existential pigs, Frank Mosley, Gail Smale, half ass reviews return!!, hypnosis, Man On Couch #2, my face is made of the same material as the son. time machines, primer movie review, Samantha Thomson, Shane Carruth, Slo-Mo, squinties forever, Time Travel, too much talking for christs sake, upstream color movie review

ATM (2012) TWO TOP HATS

August 19, 2015 by theipc

I put off renting this movie for a few weeks since I saw it pop up on iTunes because, honestly, I didn’t want to spend the “pre-theatrical release” rental fee for a movie about three people trapped in an enclosed ATM kiosk with someone out there silently threatening to kill them. I thought the trailer looked decent enough but I just didn’t feel like justifying the dough for a movie about three people trapped in an ATM structure. With some […]

Categories: 2012, Hostages, Two Top Hats • Tags: Alice Eve, ATM Movie Review, Brian Geraghty, Josh Peck, No Boobs, Not Very Exciting, Pretty Stupid

SHITFEST 2015 ~ SUMMER: SPEED 2 – CRUISE CONTROL (1997)

July 21, 2015 by theipc

SUBMITTED BY: Speed 2: Cruise Control or something Jan de Bont filmed while he was on acid is probably one of the absolute worst pieces of crap I’ve ever had the displeasure of seeing so I thought it would be fitting that this movie is my entry for Shitfest. I was, like many others a big fan of the first one, but the sequel and the idea behind it seemed like a disaster waiting to happen. The movie finds Sandra […]

Categories: 2015, 90s, BOOOOOOOORING!!!!, FUCKING TERRIBLE, Hostages, No Boobs, Nothing, SHITFEST 2015: SUMMER • Tags: Connie Ray, Jason Patric, Jessica Diz, Lois Chiles, No Boobs, Sandra Bullock, shitfest 2015: summer, Speed 2: Cruise Control Movie Review, Stupid, Terrible, Willem Dafoe

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DIRTY HARRY (1971) FOUR TOP HATS

June 4, 2015 by theipc

I first published this post in January of 2013…. now that JB and my latest franchise run has run its course, I’ve been wondering what to do on Fridays now. Since we are supposed to have a Summer Shitfest in July, that only gives me four Fridays to go so, with five Dirty Harry films, this should do it. So – today I’ll roll with the original DIRTY HARRY and tomorrow a new piece on Magnum Force! I’ve always been […]

Categories: 70s, Four Top Hats, Hostages, Thriller • Tags: Andrew Robinson, Clint Eastwood, Diana Davidson, Dirty Harry Movie Review, Do You Feel Lucky, Iconic Movie Figure, Jana D'Amico, John Vernon, Kate Harper, Laurie Mock, Lois Foraker, Punk??, Reni Santoni, The Scorpio Killer, Tough Cops!!

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DREAD (2009) THREE TOP HATS

April 28, 2015 by theipc

This one came as a recommendation from the wonderful Zoe over at Zuts (The Sporadic Chronicles of a Beginner Blogger). In fact – don’t be jealous boys – it came to me in a parcel from South Africa, wrapped in dark black paper, smelling of lilacs and daffodils. At first, after opening the package, I was curious as to how the bones of a small animal had made it through Customs (apparently it is S.A. tradition to send small sacrifices […]

Categories: 2015, Boobs, Hostages, JB & THE CHOP, Movie Reviews, Three Top Hats, Thriller, Very Gory • Tags: After Dark Horrorfest, birthmarks, Boobs, boring post, cameras and interviews, Cheyanne Raymond, Clive Barker, dread 2009 movie review, Elspeth Rae, Erin Gavin, essays, Hanne Steen, Jackson Rathbone, Jonathan Readwin, Kerry Ann Smith, Laura Donnelly, library, murderers, nothing really, rotten steak, Shaun Evans, Siobhan Hewlett, steel wool and bleach, thesis, Vivian Gray, Zoe Stollery

THE HAMILTONS (2006) TWO TOP HATS

March 31, 2015 by theipc

Well… here we are again Most Beloveds! On the day I am writing this, it’s a Saturday afternoon and we’ve been snowed in all day. The roads are undriveable and it’s really fucking cold as shit and we’ve been stuck inside all day. And for some reason I woke up at 6:45 on a Saturday morning. So far today, I’ve watched: an episode of Last Man Standing, an episode of Modern Family, an episode of The Greenbergs, The Grand Budapest […]

Categories: 2015, BOOOOOOOORING!!!!, Cannibal Bastards, Hostages, HUH???, Movie Reviews, No Boobs, Nothing, Two Top Hats, WHY??? • Tags: Brittany Daniel, Cannibal Bastards, Cory Knauf, Eating People, Found Footage, incest, Jena Hunt, Joseph McKelheer, Mackenzie Firgens, No Boobs, Not Even Any Boobs, Pissing, Rebekah Hoyle, Samuel Child, someone in a cage, terrible footage, the hamiltons 2006 movie review, truth or dare

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HALF ASS REVIEWS: MUNICH AND THE LAST BOY SCOUT

March 23, 2015 by theipc

MUNICH (2005) Once again, Steven Spielberg gets in the Director’s chair to weave an award winning saga about a certain era in the history of the world – this time he takes on the underground world of Germany’s Sex For Food Societies. According to Spielberg, M.U.N.I.C.H, or Men Undressed and Nude, Incorporating Culinary Housings, was formed by Adolf Hitler in 1935 to develop more powerful and strengthening recipes for sauerkraut and braunschweiger to feed to his troops as they marched […]

Categories: 2015, Action, Boobs, Death and Destruction, Four Top Hats, Half Ass Reviews, Hostages, Movie Reviews, Three Top Hats, Thriller • Tags: americans, Ayelet Zurer, Boobs, Bruce McGill, Bruce Willis, Chelsea Field, Ciarán Hinds, cocaine, Damon Wayans, Daniel Craig, Danielle Harris, Eric Bana, football, Geoffrey Rush, german sex trade, Germans, girl scout cookies, Half Ass Reviews, Halle Berry, i tripped and my dick slipped into your wife, jews, Kim Coates, Marie-Josée Croze, munich movie review, No Boobs, penises, rap music, satan claus, spies, STEVEN SPIELBERG, the last boy scout, Tony Scott, Valeria Bruni Tedeschi

A SHITFEST 2015 TRIPLE FEATURE! BOO, WRONG TURN 6 AND HOUSE OF BAD

February 18, 2015 by theipc

THIS ENTRY SUBMITTED BY: WHAT THE FUCK??? I spent my hard earned money on renting this shit??? God damn I’m stupid. Horrible from start to finish, this movie stinks more than a homeless man’s underwear. Or even Tim’s. In fact, while I am not a violent person in any way, unless you plan to harm my loved ones, I am going to go ahead and challenge this movie to a fist fight. BOO movie – I’ll be waiting in Britton Circles […]

Categories: 2015, Boobs, BOOOOOOOORING!!!!, Cannibal Bastards, FUCKING TERRIBLE, Ghosts, Hostages, HUH???, I'm Stupid, Movie Reviews, One Top Hat, SHITFEST 2015, The Triple Play, WHY??? • Tags: Anthony C. Ferrante, Anthony Ilott, Aqueela Zoll, bad haircuts, blaxploitation, boo 2005 movie, boo on boo the 2005 movie, Boobs, Cheryl Bonty, cheryl bonty's boobs, Chris Jarvis, clean abandoned house, drinking blood, EASTERN EUROPEANS, eastern europeans having sex, fucking cannibals, ghost, Heather L. Tyler, heroin, hilbilly sex, house of bad is a terrible movie, house of bad movie, incest, Insane Asylum, Jilon VanOver, LOTS O BOOBS, makes no fucking sense, MISERABLE, miserable cgi, Nicole Rayburn, nipples, no boobs in boo, pimp, Rachel Harland, Rachel Melvin, Roxanne Pallett, Sadie Katz, sadie katz' boobs, sex with sister, sex with underwear on, Shirlene Quigley, shitfest 2015, Small Cast, stirrups, Strippers, telephones, Terri Novak, Terrible, terrible terrible terrible, Three Fingers, Trish Coren, wrong turn 6: last resort, wrong turn six franchise

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LUKE ABBOTT: THE ORACLE OF FILM – DELETED SCENES!!!!

November 28, 2014 by theipc

Happy Friday!!! Whether you’re feeling the effects of too much turkey and stuffing or out standing in long lines waiting to get a new TV or clock radio – we have something very special to present to you today!!! Since we don’t have shit for money and can’t afford to cut a Blu-Ray, I present to you, online – right here only – the official LUKE ABBOTT: ORACLE OF FILM deleted scenes!!! Also – since YouTube was a real bastard […]

Categories: 2014, Action, Boobs, Death and Destruction, Drive - In, Excitement, Five Top Hats, GROSS!!, Hostages, HUH???, I LOVED IT, JIZZ, SATAN!, Thriller, Vampires, Very Gory, WHY???, WOAH!, Zombies • Tags: AN IPC VIDEO PRODUCTION, FUCK YEAH, I MADE A MOVIE, IT MADE A MOVIE, IT RUBS THE LOTION IN ITS SKIN, JB, LOTION, LUKE ABBOTT: ORACLE OF FILM MOVIE, No Boobs, THE THREE EMISSIONS OF SCROTEY, UNICORNS, WICKED SUNGLASSES

BLACK ROCK (2012) FOUR TOP HATS

November 24, 2014 by theipc

I don’t know if I would actually call this a “recommendation” of sorts but I saw a post about this movie over at our friend FILMNERD’s blog and I was totally interested, having never even heard of it before. I like Kate Bosworth in what I’ve seen her in and Lake Bell is very easy on the eyes: SO I gave it a watch and I really liked it. I think I liked it so much because it was believable. […]

Categories: 2014, Boobs, Four Top Hats, Hostages, I LOVED IT, Thriller • Tags: black rock movie review, boats, Boobs, cold water, Drinking, I'm Hungry, Kate Bosworth, Katie Aselton, Lake Bell, lake bell's boobs, NUDITY, smoking grass, worth a watch

THE STRANGERS (2008) FUCKING CREEPY

November 4, 2014 by theipc

I don’t know if any of us ever really get scared in movies any longer – we’ve all seen so much that we’re all anesthetized to any sort of feelings of fear, but if I had to pick a type of movie that gives me The Willies it would be home invasion movies, especially involving fuckers with burlap sacks on their heads. And – while this movie was pretty fucking creepy and effective and had my teeth grinding and my […]

Categories: 2014, Four Top Hats, Hostages, No Boobs, Slasher, Thriller • Tags: A GUY FROM ALWAYS SUNNY, Amanda Seyfried, BURLAP SACKS, Eva Green, GEMMA WARD, LIV TYLER, Marion Cotillard, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, No Boobs, RAQUEL WELCH, SCOTT SPEEDMAN, THE SHAPE, THE STRANGERS MOVIE REVIEW

SHAME THE DEVIL (2013) NOT VERY GOOD

October 28, 2014 by theipc

You know what?? This movie was really not very good at all. It felt like some sort of British TV-MA show that didn’t even have the balls to show some boobs. I’m going to approach this a little differently today and then spoil the fuck out of things at the bottom here….. Here’s a random GIF of someone that showed up when I googled images of this thing…. Shame The Devil is a terrible movie that should be destroyed whenever […]

Categories: 2014, BOOOOOOOORING!!!!, Hostages, HUH???, No Boobs, Nothing, Two Top Hats, Very Gory, WHY??? • Tags: Charlotte Lewis, Doug Bradley, FUCKING GOD DAMN, FUCKING HELL, Juliette Bennett, Kellie Shirley, No Boobs, Pinhead, Pretty Sucky, SHAME THE DEVIL MOVIE REVIEW, Simon Phillips, TELL THE TRUTH AND SHAME THE DEVIL, Will de Meo

AN IPC ORIGINAL MOTION PICTURE! LUKE ABBOTT: ORACLE OF FILM (2014)

October 3, 2014 by theipc

WOW – just LOOK at that BEAUTIFUL movie poster I made!! CLASSY!!!! Today’s the BIG DAY!!! The moment that TWO people have been waiting for!!! WOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Grab your popcorn, your hot dogs, your taffy and a jug of whiskey and sit back to feel physical pain as you watch my movie. Spielberg better watch his ass – cuz I’m coming! Wait. What? #shame 3 2 1 HERE YOU GO!!! The song is called “Lotion” and it is by a band […]

Categories: 2014, Action, Cannibal Bastards, Death and Destruction, Drive - In, Excitement, Five Top Hats, FUCKING TERRIBLE, GROSS!!, Hostages, HUH???, I'm Stupid, JIZZ, Most Unclean, No Boobs, Praise Be to The IPC, SATAN!, SHITFEST 2014, The IPC Video, Thriller, Very Gory, WHY???, WOAH! • Tags: AN IPC VIDEO PRODUCTION, FUCK YEAH, I MADE A MOVIE, IT MADE A MOVIE, IT RUBS THE LOTION IN ITS SKIN, JB, LOTION, LUKE ABBOTT: ORACLE OF FILM MOVIE, No Boobs, THE THREE EMISSIONS OF SCROTEY, UNICORNS, WICKED SUNGLASSES

106

SANCTUARY; QUITE A CONUNDRUM (2012) THIS IS QUITE A CONUNDRUM…

September 4, 2014 by theipc

I found this on iTunes a few days ago and, despite the iffy title and a movie poster I didn’t choose for this post, I watched the trailer and thought it looked good, so I rented it up and…. this is quite a deal here…. I mean, check out the IMDB synopsis written by the director: It should have been just a normal day of sex, fun, alcohol, hormones and debauchery for Tabitha and Mimi, two twenty somethings who care […]

Categories: 2014, Boobs, Hostages, JIZZ, Movie Reviews, No Boobs, Three Top Hats, WOAH! • Tags: Boners, BOOBS BUT NO BOOBS REALLY, BROWNHOLES, Emily Rogers, Erin Cline, EYEPATCHES, HOOKERS AND SLUTS, JAILBAIT, JIZZ, LESBOS, SANCTUARY; QUITE A CONUNDRUM MOVIE REVIEW, Sasha Ramos

WOLF CREEK 2 (2013) THREE TOP HATS

May 30, 2014 by theipc

*SPOILERS* You know – I REALLY liked WOLF CREEK. I really did. I liked what they did there and I liked the director and the cast and I even went out and liked ROGUE (the director’s second movie). Then I sat around waiting on WOLF CREEK 2 for EVER and then it finally came out but it was ten dollars to rent so I waited again. A month later they dropped the fucking price to reasonable and I rented it […]

Categories: 2014, Action, Australian, GROSS!!, Hostages, HUH???, I'm Stupid, No Boobs, Three Top Hats, Thriller, Very Gory, WHY??? • Tags: John Jarratt, NO BOOBS TO SPEAK OF, NOT SO GOOD, Ryan Corr, Shannon Ashlyn, WHY DID YOU HAVE TO KILL THOSE KANGAROOS??, Why??, WOLF CREEK 2 MOVIE REVIEW

IN THE HOUSE OF FLIES (2012) BAH HUMBUG

May 28, 2014 by theipc

I really am all about hot pickles. I love em. YUM YUM YUM. I’m also a big supporter of independent film – I’ve even pledged to finance a few of them but they never made their goals on Kickstarter. I’m also a big fan on small casts, little dialogue and a creepy trailer. With all of that going for this one, I was pretty excited… and then I sat there for 88 fucking minutes watching two people trapped in a […]

Categories: 2014, BOOOOOOOORING!!!!, Drama, Hostages, HUH???, I'm Stupid, Nothing, Two Top Hats, WHY??? • Tags: Dumb, Henry Rollins, IN THE HOUSE OF FLIES MOVIE REVIEW, Lindsay Smith, No Boobs, NO DIAL TONE, Not Very Good, Ryan Kotack, Small Cast, SUITCASES

HOUSE OF WHIPCORD (1974) PRETTY SUCKY

May 13, 2014 by theipc

Being a classy gentleman and all, The Good and Fair Most Beloved knows that I like to choose my words very carefully and go about things gently and light footed. “Tender and Carefully” is my motto, you know. As we all know, the warmest part of the human body is a person’s crotch area and, if one doesn’t practice good personal hygiene, that geographic area of human skin can become befowled with a heinous odor. With that intro written….THIS MOVIE […]

Categories: 2014, 70s, Boobs, BOOOOOOOORING!!!!, FUCKING TERRIBLE, Hostages, HUH???, I'm Stupid, Two Top Hats, WHY??? • Tags: A REAL PIECE OF SHIT, Barbara Markham, Boobs, HANGING, HOUSE OF WHIPCORD MOVIE REVIEW, MISERY AND PAIN, Patrick Barr, Ray Brooks, SCREW THIS MOVIE, Terrible

CONFINE (2013) THREE TOP HATS

April 11, 2014 by theipc

New around these parts? If you’re confused by the rating system you can learn all about it HERE while you have your morning / afternoon poop. Either way, here we are again, sipping our morning moonshine, smoking our corncob pipe, not wearing any shoes and rolling some blunts for later so, let’s talk about CONFINE. A classy and good looking model gets in some sort of car wreck and, after getting out of the hospital, she boards herself up in […]

Categories: 2014, Boobs, BOOOOOOOORING!!!!, Drama, Hostages, Three Top Hats, Thriller • Tags: Alfie Allen, CONFINE 2013 MOVIE REVIEW, Daisy Lowe, Eliza Bennett, ENGLISH PEOPLE, Game of Thrones, HOT BLONDES, NO BARE BOOBS TO SPEAK OF, OCD, PORKING, ROSE LESLIE, THIS MOVIE WAS .... OK, YGRITTE THE WILDLING

TEXAS CHAINSAW (2013) TWO TOP HATS

March 12, 2014 by theipc

*SPOILERS IN THIS ONE* First off, I think I should come right out and say that I’ve only ever seen the first one of these so I’m not really familiar with the canon here. Oh wait. Did I see the remake??? HMMM??? I think I started it one night when I was stoned and don’t remember any of it. Did I see the Beginning one?? The one where the chick plops the baby out on the floor and throws it […]

Categories: 2014, Cannibal Bastards, FUCKING TERRIBLE, Hostages, HUH???, I'm Stupid, No Boobs, Nothing, Two Top Hats, Very Gory, WHY??? • Tags: Alexandra Daddario, Do Your Thing Cuz, Fucking Stupid, LEATHERFACE, Not Even Any Boobs, Scott Eastwood, Screw This, Tania Raymonde, Texas Chainsaw 2013 Movie Review, This Was Fucking Terrible

SHITFEST 2014: WINTER ~ THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE 2 (FULL SEQUENCE) (2011)

February 19, 2014 by theipc

BY: I can honestly tell you that this is one of the worst films I’ve ever seen in my entire life! I actually liked “The Human Centipede” which had a plot, and I know a lot of people may not have cared for the first part due to outrageous content, but I didn’t pay as much attention to the fact a doctor wanted to sew three humans together, as I did that those three people were trapped inside a house […]

Categories: 2014, FUCKING TERRIBLE, GROSS!!, Hostages, HUH???, Movie Reviews, Nothing, SHITFEST 2014: WINTER, WHY???, WOAH! • Tags: Ashlynn Yennie, BOOBS OR NO BOOBS?? WHO KNOWS???, Disgusting, FUCKIN' GROSS, Laurence R. Harvey, LONG LIVE SHITFEST!!!, Maddi Black, Shitfest 2014: Winter, THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE 2 (FULL SEQUENCE) (2011), WITH A FRIEND LIKE GARY

THE FROZEN GROUND (2013) THREE TOP HATS

December 3, 2013 by theipc

I first heard about this over at Tyson’s site – that lazy bastard – and thought it sounded good and then promptly forgot all about it until I was bored the other day and had nothing to do. I saw it in iTunes and thought – oh yeah – Tyson liked this so I rented it and can report back to you that it’s a pretty good movie. Nothing great and no one’s going to win any awards for it, […]

Categories: 2013, Boobs, Drama, Hostages, Movie Reviews, Three Top Hats, Thriller • Tags: Alaskan Strippers, Boobs, Cops and Robbers, Gia Mantegna, Jodi Lyn O'Keefe, John Cusack, Katherine LaNasa, Nicolas Cage, Radha Mitchell, Serial Killer, The Frozen Ground Movie Review, Vanessa Hudgens, Vanessa Hudgens is Three Feet Tall