FILMMAKERS: PLEASE NOTE, THESE THINGS SUCK.
1. Car tires screeching on dirt roads. Blogga please….
2. Dial tones emanating from disconnected cell phones. Cell phones don’t use dial tones. THX.
3. Someone IMMEDIATELY answering a door knock or doorbell ring. In my entire life when I have shown up at someone’s house expected or unexpectedly, NO ONE EVER has been standing right by the door waiting to open it.
4. The convenience of someone having a Zippo when the lights go out… even when they don’t smoke.
5. STOP FUCKING KILLING THE DOG / CAT. WE GET IT. ENOUGH.
6. Keys are always left in the car/under rugs/in pot plants/etc. Then why the fuck are serial killers and robbers still breaking in windows when access is so freely available?!
7.Everyone has mastered picking locks… like everyone is a master criminal suddenly!
8. People having major accidents with no seatbelts but nobody is ever flung around. Dafuq? Someone suddenly hits their breaks here for a traffic light and with my belt on I get flung a little!
9. People automatically know how much milk/sugar/coffee is required to put in for an unknown guest. How? In what world? Come on people!
10. How Americans can all suddenly rock a manual transmission vehicle when shit hits the fan (I am grouping this with Americans because they all drive automatics).
11. When someone is creeping around in your house… why the hell are you going upstairs…? How does that even make sense? Also… when you know you are being hunted, why are you going toward the noises and what not?
12. When something chases you… won’t you run your ass off? Why would you jog around and scream? I mean do you really want the scary crackpot to find you?
13. Massive explosions due to cigarettes being dropped into a gasoline trail. WTF is this shit?!
14. People hiding from a killer or psycho and making an inordinate amount of noise.
15. People “hacking” in movies… you cannot just hit keys and everything suddenly works and no, hacking a printer driver is not as hardcore as cinema would make it out to be. Plus two, if hacking was that simple, why would it be a specialised skill?
16. While we’re at it, typing in movies. I mean come off it people, you aren’t even really hitting keys in any sequence and I swear they are never using the space bar… whowantstoreadsomethinglikethisanyfuckingway?!
17. People lighting up a cigarette, probably won’t even have a drag off of it, but crush it underfoot almost immediately after.
18. Characters / People TALKING what they’re fucking typing. No one talks what they are typing.
19. Danny McBride.
20. The jump scare schtick where someone is standing somewhere looking off into the distance and the noise / music builds up and SUDDENLY SOMEONE GRABS THAT SOMEONE and it’s their fucking friend. WHO SNEAKS UP ON PEOPLE LIKE THAT?? No one is the answer. No one.