Movies that I either HATE or movies too abominable for human consumption. This was originally thought of as the “movies I couldn’t even finish page” but some of them I might be able to stagger through – so no one else has to. I know some people don’t agree with a couple of my thoughts on here – but I fucking hated FUNNY GAMES and SNOWTOWN.
I don’t really remember why I picked up this movie – oh wait – yes I do: strippers. So these strippers go strip for some bald dude, then he drugs them and locks them up in a cell in a Insane Asylum. Despite how everything was found footage this was going OK – EVEN when, for no logical fucking reason, she has a digital camera in her cell / room so she is able to film herself trying to escape…. the stupid flogging bit was eye roll-y but I was still thinking this would make the main page. Until, after one more futile attempt at escape, he straps her to a table and………. cuts…off………. her………………… “taco”. They don’t actually show it so much as there’s a slicing noise and then a “shllllllllllllllllup pop!” fucking sound effect that was so absolutely fucking disgusting that I almost vomited. He then plops that piece of her in a jug and says “now for the labia”. GOD DAMN I HATED THAT and wanted to stop it but I only had about fifteen minutes left so I kept on. In the next scene the mother fucker takes an ice bath and then cuts of his own balls. It’s FUCKING disgusting and they’re black and god damn this was gross.
Who in THE FUCK read this script and said “I want to be in this movie!” I mean, Michael Rooker is fucking in it – doesn’t he have some sort of decent career?? This fucking movie can go burn in hell!
THE KILLING GAMES (2012)
FUCKING HELL!!! GOD DAMN this was MISERABLE. It was also revolting, fucking stupid and I FUCKING HATE IT. An asshole named Dirty Jesus and another asshole named Son of Satan come across a couple of people getting ready to fuck in the park. They kill the dude and rape the chick and kill her too. A couple of chicks are standing nearby filming this on their cell phone (for the police) and they get seen. One of them gets raped and killed and the other gets away.
Next up, some middle aged fuckers are sitting in an SUV for no reason. Cut to some mother fucker having a birthday party. Cut to Dirty Jesus and Son of Satan talking existentially. Growling and screaming. Throw in some more characters and show a TV show. Some more people get raped and killed. The middle aged people are some sort of Black OPs hitmen. WHAT THE FUCK? Some more people get raped and killed.
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOU, MOVIE.
I SPIT ON YOUR CORPSE I PISS ON YOUR GRAVE (2001)
Don’t get mislead by that wonderful title – this is a vile and repulsive, sorry, piece of shit that will leave a worse taste in your mouth than eating a fresh piece of shit. In fact, in this movie a man is actually forced, at gunpoint, to take a shit on the floor and then eat it. That’s what you’re fucking in for here. Someone also gets his dong cut off, there’s a rape, a fucking lot of UNATTRACTIVE nudity, an explicit masturbation scene with a fucking plunger that looks absolutely painful and then another rape in some guys’ butt. There was nothing good about this movie and in no way should this be seen unless you’re just really dying to see some tattooed, floppy, pierced tits. Fucking MISERABLE!! Never entertain the idea of seeing this, just thank me.
DEAR GOD NO! (2011)
What the fuck?????????? This starts off in the morning aftermath of a bearded and tattooed biker gang’s (The Impalers) rape and murder of a bus full of nuns. Naked nuns are laying all over the place and fires are burning and one of them is hanging from a rope. They wake and bake and fire it up and run over the bodies and head to the titty bar to do some drinking. Elsewhere a woman and her kid pull off the highway so the kid can go pee pee. She gets out to have a smoke and The Impalers run her down in cold blood. Okeydokey. At the strip club, two of The Imaplers (brothers) kill their dad and stab him 100 times and then a rival gang comes in and kills everyone – this includes bare chested strippers wearing latex Nixon masks and toting Tommy guns. Okeydokey.
On the run, the surviving members of The Impalers stop to get gas and beer and take a shit and then kill everyone. Everyone but the VERY PREGNANT (note those last two words) woman and her husband. Not wanting any witnesses to their heinous crimes, they head on up the road in search of them, killing the kid who gave them directions. Uh huh. Eventually they all meet up in the house where the mad scientist Nazi has been genetically altering his family and then starts the third act.
Read at your own risk:
After everyone gets fucked up on crank and wine they all do some raping (remember that note?) and killing and the mom gets loose from the basement and sits on her daughter’s face and then a yeti comes out of the woods and starts ripping everyone to pieces (up to and including a bloody dong) and then there’s a chase through a river and some almost raping and then the yeti shows up and kills everyone and it’s finally fucking over. I can’t imagine that anyone would like this movie except for extreme perverts and the movie crew and I wish there was a way I could unsee what happened to one particular character.
This movie sucks.
AMERICAN MANIACS (2010)
I honestly don’t know if I have ever seen any more heinous fifteen minutes of film than what was on display at the end of this. If I ever had to say “My eyes! My fucking eyes!” now is the time. I don’t think I can actually write what goes on here without taking the risk of being “Search Engined” by nothing but the wrong people. My poor iPad… I am sorry my good machine friend, you didn’t deserve that. Why am I even writing about this? This is a warning to you Good Reader, since I didn’t get one. If you see that good looking poster and then check out the one and only (positive) review on IMDB (as of today) and read the log line: “A terrifying story of six members of an evangelical Christian group who have been abducted in rural Kansas“, rest assured that those things have very little to do with anything.
Sure there’s three AIDS ridden, lord-a-prayin’ teenage girls chicken cooped up in a fetish mask wearing dude’s barn, but that’s only about ten minutes worth of this. The rest involves things like “Trach-holes” and flesh eating dogs and decayed weenus self pleasurement and disgusting, dirty, greasy convicts and strippers and paralyzed people and suicide and – my fucking eyes. I would hardly think that anyone will like this movie and suspect this was made just to elicit disgust and “negative into positive” press to fund another stinking piece of shit like this. This is your warning – there is nothing good about this movie. Aside from the movie poster I guess. This movie is a shitbag.
THE SNOWTOWN MURDERS (aka SNOWTOWN) (2011)
My Most Unclean page was originally thought of as the “movies I couldn’t finish because they were so stupid” page and then devolved into – what the fuck is this shit I am watching with my eyes? My Fucking Eyes! I saw the trailer for this a week or two ago and thought it looked good – I thought it looked really good, actually, and – like that poster indicates, I guess a bunch of people really like this movie – if they can make it through it, I guess. To start – this was very boring, I couldn’t tell who was who (haircuts change frequently) and every scene consisted of too much dialogue being delivered by actors talking (sometimes seven or eight of em) over each other. I love the Australian accent (and generally Australian horror / thrillers) but I couldn’t visually interpret who was who and I could barely make out what they were talking about. Aside from that, and for real, I can watch the worst of the worst, but, after somehow making it through the repulsive kangaroo butchering scene (complete with throwing the remains on a pedophile’s house) and then enduring the lead getting slowly raped by his older brother – I had just about had it. I made it a little while longer until I had just about had enough when the “bad guy” challenges the rape victim to kill his dog. Watching it, and tired of it already, I thought: “If they shoot the dog I’m done.” And they did. Twice. Goodbye Snowtown Murders and fuck off. If this got better after all of that, I would be very surprised. G’Day Mate and this is, in no way, Jolly Good Old Cock.
THE SLAUGHTERHOUSE MASSACRE (2004)
Like always, I appreciate that a movie gets made and distributed, but I can’t say that I really appreciate this one. While it might not be as bad as some of the other pieces of shit on this list, it is definitely awful and shouldn’t be consumed by anyone else’s eyes. The acting is terrible (the only glimmer of light in this darkness being the actress Shaila Vaidya who is gracing the poster with her shirt open), the gore effects are actually funny, the characters are stupid and even the lighting is ridiculous. Sure, every horror of this type needs gratuitous bare flesh, in this one there’s plenty, but a sex scene on the filthy slaughterhouse floor?? Two naked women who dance and kiss each other for something like ten straight minutes? I mean that’s it – they just stand there dancing and kissing, fully naked for a very long time (shrug). If you’ve made it through that and hope that the cover lady Vaidya ends up even more undressed, well, that doesn’t even happen.
I don’t know why the backseat of the car wouldn’t work but, back in the past, these two teens decide to screw on the disgusting floor of the slaughterhouse and end up killed for some reason by some guy named Marty Sickle (sigh). Have you ever driven by a slaughterhouse? Those things fucking STINK. Anyway, years later, like we all have done, a bunch of kids party with some naked lesbians and decide to go visit the scene and end up getting murdered.
Just about every aspect of this production is not good at all and I kind of feel bad for Vaidya because she seems better than this. Hopefully everyone involved moves on to better things and they all leave this bullshit behind them. Get it? Bullshit? Slaughterhouse? No that’s stupid, just like this movie.
If you’ve ever been to a bar, or a bowling alley for that matter, by about eight o’clock the floor of the men’s bathroom is covered in piss from the swaying of drunk men and someone’s probably taking a greasy-food shit in the only stall, making the experience about as bad as it can be. If you’ve ever wondered what the motion picture equivalent of that would be, look no further than the slimy, dirty Gutterballs. I can’t think of anything redeeming to mention about this “movie” unless you’re really hard up and need to see some ugly women’s explicit genitalia, cuz there’s a few shots of those. There’s also an explicit 69-genitalia-murder – on the filthy bowling alley bathroom floor, a rape by instrumentation with the fat end of a bowling pin, and the idiotic “Bowling Ball Killer” who gruesomely murders people while wearing a bowling ball bag on his or her head. I can’t believe I made it all the way through this and I hope that you never take it upon yourself to try.
I can’t even find a movie poster for this pitiful movie that I couldn’t make it through the first thirty minutes of. This is a Troma production (which I didn’t know when I rented it through Netflix – or I wouldn’t have touched it). Since I didn’t watch it all the way, here’s the log line: “The gun-totin’, Bible-thumpin’ Preacher Man Bob must right the universal karma accidentally set wrong when Brian inadvertently kills his obnoxious butt-cleavaged roommate, Wade.” Please read that and understand that the first thirty minutes of this movie are absolutely terrible. I know everyone always thinks that “I could make a better movie than that” – but for real, my friends and I could probably make a better product than this on a Friday night after a few beers and some brainstorming.
I put this on this list because, for real, I felt Unclean after watching the second half of this movie. Unlike the pieces of shit that will populate this page in the years to come, this movie has a quality production value. It actually also has a good plot and a good story, excellent visual effects and is extremely bloody. But I can’t even put into words, written or oral about how brutal the second half of this movie was. It was repulsive, cringe inducing, eye closing sadistic violence that I can never watch again – and it made me feel Unclean for seeing it. A couple of years ago when I started doing this, my cousin called me at Christmas and asked me if I had seen this and we were both like: “uuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh yeeeaaahhhhhhhh…..” Never, ever again on this one.
THE GIRL NEXT DOOR (2007)
You know, I don’t consider myself a prude; I’ve seen and done a lot in my life, and I’ve seen a lot of movies, but something about this just disgusted me. I am not a guy who likes to be swayed by popular opinion, but I just can’t fathom how this is so highly rated out on IMDB by so many people… the opening scene where Bill Atherton gives the bum mouth to mouth was gross, I couldn’t get why these kids were so mean to “the girl next door”, why she didn’t just get the fuck out of there and why the mom was so abusive – up to and including sadistic torture, branding and murder for no reason whatsoever. I get this is based on a true story and it is disgusting that things like this really happen in the world, but I didn’t think anything about this was any good, not the sound or the script or the acting or the cinematography or the actions the characters take, I hated the last fifteen minutes and, overall I just did not like this thing. I guess it’s not as bad as some of the others on here, but – flush this shit down the toilet.
MEGAN IS MISSING (2011)
This movie was going OK – as a Cautionary Tale about the dangers of online predators – until we got to the last agonizing, disturbing, sickening, repulsive, saddening 22 minutes that made me almost feel sick sitting through them. I think the filmmakers had good intentions on making this so violent and frightening that it would scare the shit out of kids and send a very potent message about the realities of online / sexual predators – but did they have to go that far? The answer to that is no. I hate this movie.
FUNNY GAMES (2007)
I understand that this is an “art” film, I understand that this is a film made to make a point of the viewer who watches this type of movie, I understand the director Michael Haneke is smart and edgy and controversial (I actually liked “The White Ribbon”) and I understand that some people like this big budget movie. But I actually hated this movie from start to finish. I hated the intro music, I hated the opening credits, I hated the dialogue in the car, I hated the dialogue in the house, I hated the way the four main actors delivered their dialogue, I hated all of the characters, I hated their outfits, I hated the way they talked to the camera, I hated what they did to the dog, I hated the way the plot played out, I hated what they did to the kid, I hated what they did to the husband and wife, I HATED the “rewind” scene and I hated the ending. I don’t think I have ever disliked a movie so much.
BENEATH THE MISSISSIPPI (2008)
I hate to be the guy who says that this is the worst movie i have ever seen, but this could possibly the worst film production i have ever seen in my life. To start – the aspect ratio of this changes frequently throughout the entire thing and, since a lot of this is filmed at night, almost everything in this movie looks like a blur, or a smeared fingerprint. FOR REAL, you can kind of make out some people / settings occasionally and the rest of the time they are blurry or “opaque”. Aside from this abomination to our eyes, the sound is equally as terrible. For minutes at a time the dialogue cannot be heard or you might catch a mumble, then suddenly someone screams and it’s so horrible to you ears that it makes you want to cringe and then throw up. Adding to this piece of shit, the music is completely awful: it’s loud one minute, then you can’t hear it and then it pops your ear drums – and this is NOT in sync with the way the dialogue fluctuates.
I can’t really tell you what this is about – i tried to stop watching it twice but thought if i could make it, I could figure out what this plague on my eyes and ears was about. According to the voice over intro, apparently some guy had a kid who married a hooker who killed herself and the kid left town and the Mississippi River flooded and buried the place and killed everyone. So (what I assume is the lead) is some sort of documentary film maker who gets a crew of blurry mumblers together and they set off up the Old Mississippi to figure out what happened. Honestly, while watching this with my eyes, i don’t know what happened next. Apparently, at some point one of their crew goes missing (I think, I must have missed that part) and the boat breaks (I think) and they are paddling around in canoes and snorkling into the muddy water. eventually they either die (I think – I can’t see them) or go crazy and there might be a ghost lurking around somewhere.
Whatever you do, don’t ever watch this as long as you live.
WICKED LAKE (2008)
This movie is supposed to be about four hot chicks who go to a lake and get it on with each other and then are harassed by two different groups of men who want to have their way with them until they turn into witches and extract their revenge That sounded promising and the movie even opened with a naked female model in an art class. Things very quickly started going sour when we are introduced to a shy, whimpering ignoramus with Weird Al hair, wearing a frilly, pink frock who imagines the girl grabbing her crotch and saying “That’s right – it’s just like mommy said, full of razors!!”, to which he freaks out, grabs his stuff and leaves. A little later, the model exits the building, fires up a doob on the front steps and there he is, waiting for her. He walks her home, gives her his rendering of her – a unicorn jumping over a rainbow and asks if he can grab her boob. She loves the drawing, yanks out her tit and then her roommate opens the door – so he runs off crying.
At home, his two brothers berate him for bawling so bad, so one of them makes him sit on his lap and give him a kiss on the mouth, then bites his lip off, so he runs off crying again. He returns a few minutes later in a pink tee shirt and some whitey tighties followed by an invalid in a wheelchair who farts and poops himself. Cut to the four chicks driving down some road, smoking weed and kissing each other all over. I’ll only briefly mention the masturbating dude in the gas station, the skinny dipping, a giant black dildo and then POOF, the four brothers and the crippled guy show up at their door with a knife. The nude model notices the Weird Al guy’s lip bleeding, so she sucks on it while the biter threatens to throw the knife at the other girls. Knife guy knocks his brother down and he vomits, so he makes one of the girls mop it up with her shirt, while she un-effectively moans and cries.
I can’t even explain how bad the acting is from everyone involved, but at this point I had made the decision that it was time to put Wicked Lake away forever. I dragged my video to further in the movie and discovered the four girls, covered in blood, on top of the biter, shoving the dildo down his throat and giving him a lecture on “guilt”. On my way to clicking the “DONE” button, I stopped and witnessed some dude getting his crotch shot off by his buddy. Mercifully, after that, I was through.
THE STAY AWAKE (1987)
WTF is this stupid movie? Did the people who made this think this would be a “good” movie? I see the director has never been inolved with anything again – he was probably shamed out of the business. The acting is deplorable, the atmosphere is terrible, I couldn’t tell if that’s their real voices or if they are dubbed, if that’s their real voices I pity them, the actors are not the least bit charismatic, the killer is stupid, the noises are irritating, the sounds effects are deafening and there is nothing at all charming about this to make it “so bad it’s good” like some I discovered during my Population Sample study. In fact, this rip off of that genre makes me mad at the director! Suck it, buddy!
Some prisoner is getting the gas chamber back in 1960’s America. Before he is gassed he screams that he is the angel of darkness. K. Flash forward to “Europe”, some ugly girls with bushy eyebrows, bad teeth and manly voices are doing some aerobics. Meanwhile, apparently some sort of ghost is making a lot of loud slurping and growling noises as it approaches the school (this is seen from its point of view), cut to aerobics, cut to approaching school, cut to aerobics, cut to the science room, cut to aerobics, bang some doors. Eventually they are done being “tortured” by the teacher and the radio explodes and oozes acid. What. The teacher is walking down the hall, doors are banging, she is walking, doors bang, there’s an old dude listening to a record, the ghost slurps and growls, the teacher shuts a door. Enough. Someone how the ghost of this man is a rubber rat-godzilla like thing. What. Stop.
The movie poster for this is pretty gnarly, so I’ll go with the paper bag frowny face for this piece of shit. Maybe it was the fact that I was sick in bed that made this trailer look decent to me, but – this is pretty bad. You don’t see many of these “anthology” style pictures any more, like “Creepshow” or “Tales from the Crypt” or even “Tales from the Hood” and maybe that’s for the best, because all three of the stories (and the interlacing cohesion story) were awful with very bad actors, a terrible script, HIDEOUS CGI, stupid plot points and, in the end part of the trilogy, one of the dumbest things I have ever seen. With all that written, this is still better than “Girls Gone Dead”. Don’t waste your precious time. Not even if you are sick in bed with only the cat keeping you company.
Part 1 – “Business Life”: the nerdy mailroom clerk just got his degree in “computer programming”, but his evil boss throws his resume in the trash. So he develops a nano-technology code (so people will like him) that zaps itself into his office user’s fingertips through their mice, turning them into terribly CGI-faced zombies who kill each other. Somehow a few people in the cheapest looking HAZMAT suits ever produced show up and blow everyone to CGI pieces. Luckily, in the basement of the facility, the nerd comes across the other nerdy girl who doesn’t know how to use a mouse. YAY she likes him! SMOOCH – then her face is blown off by HAZMAT guy. TERRIBLE. Next.
Part 2 – “Home Life”: someone is kidnapping kids away from parks and grocery stores. Pregnant what’s-her-name starts seeing CGI apparitions around her house, and a lonely little girl in the back yard who floats. Husband cop is a real dick, especially when he can’t get some lovin’ from his eight month pregnant wife. This turns her on to something for some reason and she checks the garage she has evidently never been in before. SURPRISE – the dick husband has been kidnapping and murdering the little girls. Just when you think it’s all over, the apparition girl drops a sledge hammer onto dick husband’s head, killing him. “Mommy, we did it” she says and disappears. AWFUL. Next.
Part 3 – “Sex Life”: Naïve and blond girl (this actress is the only thing I liked about this entire thing) is making dinner for her boyfriend and passed out drunk cop uncle. When she hangs up, drunk cop uncle intends to sex her up but she fights back: “I’m not doing that anymore” she says. Boyfriend catches them in the act and uncle is taken down by a skillet to the head. Off they go until they run out of gas in the woods. Yep. Luckily they are near a mansion where a man has imprisoned his daughter in the basement. MM HMM. Man has fallen and hit his head. They take him to the hospital, intend to steal his money wrapped up in coffee cans and head on out. Uh oh – they then come across the daughter in the basement. Turns out she’s the “host” of something awful in her most private part. I won’t go into the rest.
In the cohesion story, a dazed woman lies in the grass of a hotel off the interstate. She awakens to a very ugly woman and a very ugly man saying she must have had one of her “spells” again. It seems she’s the receptionist in the lobby – great! While she whiles away her minutes, she reads the aforementioned stories in books bound with human flesh, which I suppose is normal there. After the vignettes, one of the characters comes into the lobby – oh well – it’s not worth it. In the end the ugly old woman dreamed up the new girl to keep the “sketching” going on in this region.
GIRLS GONE DEAD aka 30 DAYS TO DIE (2009)
First – the poster for this
movie abomination is gross, so I am not going to post it, instead – this is how I feel after watching it. Second – this movie piece of shit is terrible and not entertaining whatsoever. Third – what a waste of five bucks for renting it. Fourth – this features four gag-and-vomit scenes which I find repulsive. Fifth – the “surprise” ending was so stupid and made so little sense that it pissed me off. Sixth – there was one two minute bit that they played, and then showed it in reverse – was this some sort of editing mistake? Seventh – thbthbthbthbthtbthbthbthbthbthbthbthtbhbhththtbhtbht.
Here’s the scoop – there is a serial killer on the loose in Crystal Lake. We are shown at the beginning that it’s the sheriff. Cut to dysfunctional family sending rotten daughter off to treatment at the Crystal Lake Treatment Center. Intro the two orderlies who peep on showering girls and sex em up for favors. Suck your life out for the next hour while nothing happens. End the movie with some gory kills and the stupid ending. Now congratulate yourself for reading this and not watching this movie.
SUICIDE GIRLS MUST DIE! (2009)
movie filthy anus is not very good whatsoever. It is supposed to be a “live” reality-horror movie along the lines of “reality TV” Big Brother. The cast is not believable at all, and the plot reeks of my dog’s shit after he eats a squirrel. This squad of “suicide girls” goes to a remote cabin for a half naked calendar shoot. They expose their tattooed and pierced breasts for most of the movie, while their girlfriends get killed off and disappear. The girl is gone and dead so they cry and scream and make out and then head out anyway the next day to show their tits and get photo-d. In between some tattooed broad going missing, they curse constantly, make out with each other and unconvincingly weep and bawl into the camera. Eventually and thankfully, it’s over.