Here lie a list of rules to live by – rules that will help keep you alive! The following list has been compiled over a couple of decades of research by myself and my friends. To make it out there, you need to watch your ass and we’re here to help! If you feel like we’ve missed something feel free to send me an email to firstname.lastname@example.org ~ thanks and be safe!
Hosack (that really is my friend’s middle name)
THE GOLDEN RULE:
NEVER TRUST A FART
Rule # 2: If someone you know turns into a vampire, you kill them.
Rule # 3: Never suckle on a demon’s teat.
Rule # 4: Never put another man’s discarded chewing tobacco in your mouth.
Rule # 5: Never drink four 16 ounce glasses of whiskey, push your friend in the street and poke him in the eye.
Rule # 6: Never eat a Turducken.
Rule # 7: Chris should never enter Richie husband style even under the auspices of “colonoscopy”.
Rule # 8: The greatest string of words in the English language are these: “I have to poop. Right now.”
Rule # 9: If a beautiful, naked woman appears from thin air, your ass had better start running, because she is a demon.
Rule # 10: If you are living in a horror movie, and you inherit a house from a relative you don’t know well (or at all), just forget it. Don’t travel to the house, or you will die.
Rule # 10.1: The corollary to the rule about inherited houses should be that if your spouse inherits a weird old house, tell them they can either sell it or draw up divorce papers. Unless you’re planning to film your adventures in your new home for our entertainment, of course.
Rule # 11: Never drink 17 glasses of champagne and think you can make it through the first inning of softball in 110 degree heat without crapping your pants while you’re playing first base.
Rule # 12: Be deathly aware of any beach town that has no tourists.
Rule # 13: Face it, we all have to poo. If you consider the act as “Launching the U.S.S. Doodoofeces” it makes it more fun
Rule # 13.1: The pre-dook gas should be considered turning the thrusters on.