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“THE GROUP OF GIRLS TRAPPED SOMEWHERE BEING PICKED OFF ONE BY ONE” SUB-GENRE

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THE SLUMBER PARTY MASSACRE (1982): THREE POWER DRILLS

Coming out on the heels of Friday the 13th and Halloween, this promised to be a send up of lingerie clad young teenage hotties holed up for the “slumber party”, taking off their clothes, singing and pillow fighting before the perverted madman shows up to kill them all, seeing who can survive the night! This was the “original” as far as I can tell, that spawned two sequels and numerous copycats. Made in 1981, this follows the adventures of five or six Southern Cal high school basketball playing chicks who take an after basketball practice shower together loaning  each other the lone soap bar, then decide to have a slumber party while the lead’s parents are out of town, so they can drink beer, smoke doobies and eat pizza. We have the level headed lead, a bimbo, a sex pot, a chick that only says one thing, the new girl in town and her boy crazed sister, oh and the maybe lesbian head coach. For males we have the weirdo next door neighbor, two lunkhead boyfriends, and off of course, the escaped, deranged serial killer.

Following the above mentioned shower scene, our troupe hurries off to get ready for the party and the deranged serial killer quickly offs the local good looking telephone company blonde, steals her van and acquires his weapon of choice, a never needing to be recharged, gigantic, power drill.  Over the next 60 minutes we gets lots of half dressed chicks dancing and running around a house, gory kills, very bad acting, cats in the closet scares, windows and doors that just won’t open (!), lamps shattered over heads, a serial killer coming in through second story windows and, as always, someone with an axe sneaking up behind you to kill – a snail.

Overall – not too bad, but not that good, but it’s kind of fun, there’s kind of a nostalgic charm to it. The one thing that made me “LOL” is this: the pizza guy finally shows up at the door, when they open it, he is standing there with his eyes gouged out and falls to the ground dead. Later, after several other people are among the deceased, the one role that has nothing to say finally decides she’s hungry (“She thinks better when she’s not hungry” you see) so she pries the (greasy) pizza box from the corpse of the pizza boy, rests on the dead body and has a slice. Quality!

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THE SLUMBER PARTY MASSACRE 2 (1987): ONE POWER DRILL 

Giving this One Power Drill is giving this piece of shit a lot. This movie is absolutely terrible. The sound is annoying, the actors are miserable, there are NUMEROUS musical numbers which are nothing but irritating; this is “Bangles-video-meets-Valley Girl-meets-Fast Times-meets-This-Movie-Is-Shit”.  I didn’t even want to watch this movie after looking at the cover of the DVD. Well, I got what I expected: something awful.  I wouldn’t recommend this to anyone. Well – if you’re in to Rockabilly, Bangles-style lip synching, bad outfits, bad hairdos, bad acting, bad plot, bad storytelling and bad DANCING, then this might be for you. Unlike the first one, this one does have the requisite half dressed pillow fight and champagne splashing scene, because, as my wife advises, that’s what girls do. They rock out in the garage and then open their bras, splash champagne all over each other, rip open pillows and throw the feathers around. While that might be nice to consider, it’s not executed very well.

The dudes in this thing are so annoying I can’t believe it.  So is the plot: the boy crazed sister from the first one is now a new actress and living with her deranged mom. The older “new-girl” sister from the first one is now a new actress living in an insane asylum.  Younger sister is having dream-premonitions of deadly events… BUT – is it actually her channeling the Rockabilly-Killer-Driller with his electric guitar-drill this time? No one will ever know.  It’s open ended. Whoop (not). A stinker – avoid unless you reeeeeeaaaaaaalllllyy are into this.

For real, this is one of the worst movies I have ever watched. I mean, even if you leave all of the continuity crap aside, this Driller Killer sings and DANCES his way to getting to our poor group of soon-to-be-deads.

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THE SLUMBER PARTY MASSACRE 3 (1990): TWO POWER DRILLS

This movie is something else. I thought the acting was bad in the first two, but HOLY MOLY – it’s PITIFUL here. There are inconsistencies throughout the entire thing. The music is terrible. I hated the lead heroine and the lead killer. The hairstyles and fashions were god-awful , was it really that bad in 1990? That’s the year I graduated high school, I thought we were pretty hip…  Oh well. What we have here today is a beach and subsequent slumber party, five chicks in Guess jeans and large hair, three dudes (the tough, the geek and the black), a creepy snake eyed punk / goth, the jock and the insane neighbor, the pizza girl and the two street weary cops who thinks the phone calls to the station are pranks. A great set up, right?

The beach party is lame, but gets us introduced to all of the key players, in their one and two piece bathing suits, muscle shirts, the weird goth guy who stares at them wearing his black outfit and, suddenly, the prep who shows up out of the blue laying on a beach towel (in his Oxford and Khakis) who happens to woo one of the teenage girls and gets an invite. Soon enough we are at the house, the creepy neighbor is introduced, the party gets going, the girls all promptly change into their lingerie and two chicks decide to do a strip tease for their girlfriends (again, that’s what all teenage girls do, right?), the studs crash the party, the goth boy shows up again, and then people start dying off in grisly fashion. Once again doors can’t be opened, second story windows are nailed shut (from the outside), lamps and plates are smashed over heads, people get drilled, the bad guy is dealing with some awful Uncle abuse (and impotence) and eventually he is killed with his own weapon at the hands of an innocent little girl.

While this all sounds like good fun let’s see what we have here. The acting is atrocious, make no mistake. There is a kill with a powered-on vibrator into the tub. The resulting shock burns the outlet to cinders (and kills the lady). The next time we visit the bathroom, it’s perfectly fine. I guess the “Driller Killer” replaced the outlet box and cover. The killer is wearing a nice button up shirt – the amount of blood seen on his shirt changes at least six different times. Towards the end, he has one of the girls pinned to the ground and is thinking of doing it with her. While this unfolds for about ten minutes, the other three surviving members of the party must just be standing around in the kitchen eating cookies, because they sure had time to either: 1) escape, or 2) get a bat or a knife or a fireplace poker or the vibrator and attack the guy three-on-one style. At one point, the hottest chick of the bunch (and the only decent actress) decides she’d rather jump through the glass sliding door than deal with this any longer (which kills her, sadly) so he puts up the dining room table to block their exit and heads upstairs. Later, when they come screaming down the stairs, not only is the table there, but also all of the chairs and benches are on top of it. At one point there is going to be a “lamp smash” – but the lights go out before the powered on lamp is actually smashed.

So – I mean, it’s not the worst movie ever, but it has lots of things wrong with it. Why two drills? Well – as a man – there are worse things out there than watching a bunch of chicks in their underwear run around for an hour and a half.

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THE HOUSE ON SORORITY ROW (1983) THREE POWER DRILLS

I suppose, it should be mentioned that we are now away from the Driller Killer, and the acts following the Slumber Party Massacre (the original) didn’t have anything to do with a drill, but, for the sake of honoring the original, we’ll stick with the power drill ranking.  Also – I lumped the three “Slumber Parties” together since they are a “franchise” and the rest of these I’ll try and put in chronological order even though they were probably released before one of the two sequels.  When (if) you make it to “Cheerleader Massacre”, you’ll notice it might be some sort of 4th “Slumber Party”, but I didn’t think it was that worthy of my time to move it up above this movie.

This appears to have come on the heels of the lovely Slumber Party Massacre. On the DVD extras there lies the original trailer which promises a load or promiscuous teenage sorority sisters who dress flimsy, appear to bear their skin and, “will do anything to keep their  secrets”, because, “nothing is off limits in the house on sorority row”. It seems this stars some actresses who were either on or going to be on various soap operas, and then a few people who never did anything else. Comically, the lady who gets “worst line delivery ever”, but is willing to show her stuff in one scene, hasn’t been in anything else.  I don’t know if I can type up her shitty inflection, but it’s something like “HOW do WE know she IIISSS AlIve?” It was hilarious. Must’ve been the producer’s neighbor’s niece. But, I didn’t think this was too bad, for watching on a lazy, windy Sunday afternoon with nothing else to do.

The plot could be considered complex for this group of movies. Flashback twenty years, some woman is having a very hard labor, rush in the doctor and nurse. Afterwards, the doctor tells her the child couldn’t be saved (or could he…..?) Present day, seven comely sorority sisters are getting ready to graduate, and throw one last party. The evil house mother won’t let them because she kicks everyone out of the house at the beginning of June.  She’s so evil she takes her walking cane (complete with pointy bird handle) and slashes the waterbed a couple of co-eds are fornicating on. Mean old bag! To get her back, and show her they mean business, the sisters play a prank on her that backfires and leaves the house mother dead (or is she….?) The party ensues and the sisters start dropping like flies at the hands of someone killing them with the pointy-bird cane.  Eventually the doctor is phoned in for help and he reveals a terrrrriiibbblllle secret. Eventually, the end is at hand and we are set up for a sequel that doesn’t appear to heave ever been made.

There were some parts in here that just made me like it. For instance, when two of the girls are trying to dispose of the house mother’s body (again), they find a newly dug grave at the local cemetery and resolve to “we’ll just dig it a few feet deeper”  in their formal dresses. They get this done in no time and it is subtly evident that the actresses aren’t too happy covered in mud and slime. I also liked the “medicine trip scene” where the one girl is sitting there as “bait”.  And (surprise!) the head in the toilet.

Not too bad – the effects were horrible – decent acting and some funny moments, intentional or not.

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THE SORORITY HOUSE MASSACRE (1986): FOUR POWER DRILLS

The first 11 minutes: two lengthy, slow motion, sweeping dream sequences of the inside of the sorority house, lots of chicks with hair and shoulder padded tops, oh, and three creepy dolls (looks like real girls with papier-mâché masks). What does this represent? Only time will, tell. Let’s proceed. Oh and there’s an actor playing the deranged serial killer doing a pretty unconvincing job. Wait! He’s in the asylum! Wait! He’s in the mirror!  This asylum looks like a YMCA!  He sure is upset about something. Nice… the lead-lady is conveniently taking a course on clairvoyance and Déjà vu…  The killer is looking through the window!! His face is covered in blood!! He’s stabbing a knife through her desk!! Apparently the deranged serial killers in the San Peligro Valley Mental Institute are allowed to wear tee shirts, black jeans and Nikes. Oh well – all of the sorority sisters are leaving for the weekend to party, party, party – even the house mother. Three of them hang around to spend time with Beth, the lead, who has a huge scar on her arm from “before she can remember”. After they all leave, the first thing they want to do, you ask?? “Try on Cindy’s clothes!!!” Yep – they all strip into their panties and go through a closet of fine threads, and even do a little dancing. All except for Beth, who just can’t get over these strange dreams she’s having. Meanwhile – deranged killer has escaped! He’s in the hardware store! He’s knifed an old man! He’s stealing a car! He’s run down David Lee Roth – oh wait, that’s a woman. Gas is 90 cents! Meanwhile, the girls are drinking gin and trying to interpret the dream, in the end, they surmise she’s afraid of sex. Oh good – the movers have shown up. In a matter of seconds (the time it takes for the truck to pull around back) all four girls have changed clothes and are outside.

Oh well – enough of the running monologue.  This movie has a quaint charm to it. Like – they really tried to do something here, and back in ’82, this might have been a good horror.  Then there are also the funnier moments, for example, the electricity is out, the phones don’t work, but they can still watch TV (BTW they are watching Slumber Party Massacre).  And this one guy is wearing shorts so short that when he falls over in the teepee, his ball pops out.  Or, after the teepee is re-erected, for some other sort of erection tomfoolery, the killer slashes it to pieces, killing one of the sisters; her boyfriend runs off stark naked except for his shoes and socks, upstairs he quickly gets some jeans put on (why are there men’s jeans in the sorority house) OVER his shoes and socks while he’s calling the cops – do you know how difficult that is? Have you tried it? But – I think they tried their best with what was probably no budget and some actors who don’t look like seasoned pros. The more this goes on, I like it, in a simple way. Hypnosis, ESP, flashbacks, it’s not too bad.

The plot is simple: 13 or 14 years ago a family of seven lived in a gigantic property (must’ve been pretty affluent). The son went crazy and killed everyone but one sister escaped (guess who). After that the university bought the place and turned it into a Sorority House (this is how big it is).  12 years later, Beth comes to the house to visit her comely friends. This, via ESP, gets the deranged serial killer all in a huff, who then escapes and reaps terror in the Theta Epsilon Theta house.  Chaos ensues! A man jumps through a second story window – with no ladder! With sure freedom upon them, they run into the basement! All in all – I liked this movie and would add it to the file of “would watch again”.

A couple of quotes:

Linda, after picking up a shovel:  “I sure would like to give that creep a good whacking with this thing.”

After a knife has been tossed in the air and lands on the table:

John: “Why is it so dirty?”

Linda: “Because it’s dried blood”

Tracy: “Or dirt.”

Linda: “It’s definitely dried blood.”

Sara: “Yuck!”

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CHEERLEADER CAMP (1988): THREE POWER DRILLS

(I started watching this on a Friday night and decided I would try something new and take notes on the iPad. When I read my notes again on Sunday evening, I thought – hey these are kind of funny and different) so here is my review, via iPad notes, complete with grammar problems and misspellings):

Big hair, big eyebrows, half sweaters, Leif Garrett, short shorts, leotards, hair bows, leg warmers, creepy handyman complete with matchstick in mouth, fat man in drag spying on topless rock sun bathers, bad acting, buck teeth, sideways pony tails, everyone hates the cheerleading mascot, ray bans, “old timey white rapping”, fat guy with naked mooning butt stuck in van window, Leif Garrett, dream premonitions, half shirts, grease ball cook, dark locker room,  boxer shorts with hearts, periscope peeping tom, Leif Garrett is fondling himself, apparently he is stuffing his briefs with a ‘washcloth’,  lead girl is in creepy handyman’s toolshed, he is drinking out of a gallon jug of wine, have I seen this elisabeth newton John looking girl somewhere else, maybe one of the mad max movies, this guy has serious man boobs, tucked in floral sweater, more bushy eyebrows, smoochy smoochy, leif’s a bad actor, another dream sequence, someone may end up dead…, nice headband, did he just goose her?, smooch smooch, my wife distracted me talking about how someone was in a bikini and now fully clothed, apparently someone just got some pruning shears through the head, wait she’s still alive making out with Leif… Huh? Here we are at the mascot dance off – no one is dead, but the lead is freaking out from her bad dream, “our” lead didn’t win, she is pissed…, and sweaty…, cheerleading contest is on! Inside the cabin, Olivia newton John is talking about a choo–choo train, uh oh, fat dude just fell off the stage onto creepy handyman’s beatbox, handyman hopes he dies, Leif: “it’s ok we need to save some face”,  it’s cheerleader queen time, the girl who is so tan she looks Negro isn’t in the running, she has left the cabin, oh boy, the Olivia newton John “nerd” girl is the queen, I bet she doesn’t hang around long, 53 minutes in…, handyman is named puck, seen him somewhere, too tan girl is in the woods, she has fallen down,  puck is looking for something in his tool shed, I guess it’s the flashlight he is now flashing in his face,  too tan falls, rolling down hill, she has a LOT of grass or hay in her hair, there is someone dead – someone did take a pruning shear through the head, why is she being chased by the van? Back to the party – John belushi guy is wearing a six pack beer hat – nice. A lot more half sweaters. Who is this stupid band? Nice white girl dancing. Where is pam?? Some people care, some don,t, belushi fellow drinks a bottle of vodka, steals off with a cheerlead who doesn’t care, cherr leader lady is drunk and stumbling in the woods, the lead and Leif are at a pay phone, (my dog is laying on my lap making this hard to type), cheer leader lady has been stabbed in the back, perv sherrif is asleep at the wheel, The missing cheer has been found and disemboweled, the lead (Allison) is pacing around in the dark, oh wait, the cheer lead (ms tipkins) shows up clinging to life, but she’s done for, back to the lame ass dance party, someone says “stay calm, someones been murdered”, cue panic. Things are calming down, most of the original cheer gang are ready to hang out (aside from the deceased). Too bad the vans battery cable have been cut. Now pucks loading a shotgun. Its 40 miles back to town. Allison has fallen down. Puck is shooting hi shotgun. Belushi guy is filming everything.  Everyones running. The queens tiara has been dropped. Belushi guy is filming his own shit. Leif is out of breath. Belushi guy is named Timmy. Onj has surmised Timmy is the killer. They find his camera and Timmy is now among the dead. They are now cloistered in pucks toolshed.. Someones entering, Leif slams a bear trap on the sheriffs head!! But that was a mistake! The sherrif isn’t the bD guy, here is puck, avenging the sherrif!! Oh man, Leif and he masocot are ok. The four remaining cheer squad decide ro have some wine in front of a fire.  Leif is being too aggressive. Uh oh, someone else s missing. Leif is apparently the killer, Leif has been shot. Oh christ. I liked this movie, but it was sooooooooo lame. Most people probably aren’t into this. Oh well. Fun three th-s. Good enough for a beer and UNO night.

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THE SORORITY HOUSE MASSACRE 2 (1990): FOUR POWER DRILLS

This is about the eigth or so movie like this that I have watched. I find them very fun and entertaining, but not all together that well made. In this one, five new sorority sisters have bought the house from “Sorority House Massacre” for dirt cheap, because five years earlier there had been a massacre in it: “The Hockstetter killings”.  You would think that Hockstetter would be the brother from “Sorority House Massacre” who did all of the killing then. But – no – you would be wrong – in this movie Hockstetter is the deranged killer from “Slumber Party Massacre (SPM for short)” (the first – the Driller Killer) who was named Rudy. They even interweave scenes from Slumber Party into the intro here.  According to this, YES, this is the house where the girls lived in “SPM”, even though it is absolutely NOT, where the Driller Killer offed his own family. Here, his wife was the possibly-gay basketball coach and his kids were two of the SPM girls. Even though they are living in the mansion from Sorority House Massacre (SHM) where what’s her name’s brother was out for vengeance. So what we have here, to start, is, five scantily clad sorority sisters have bought the house from SHM, which was also (not) the home of Rudy / Hockstetter who killed everyone in SPM, there’s no electricity but everything’s being delivered in the morning, so they are going to stay the night, a storm (with shit bad special effect lightning) is coming, and there is a, um, er, “special” man living across the street who had to “clean up” the house after the SPM killings. BUT! He won’t go in the basement, because “that’s where Hockstetter kept his tools” (even though, in SPM, he got his power drill out of the telephone company van). Oh boy – this should be interesting. And, by the way, the acting here is not “so good it’s quaint”. This is – let’s get any chick from Easy Rider who’ll go topless (or bottomless) in this.

Meanwhile, the “not advanced fellow” from across the street, who eats raw meat out of a bowl while watching TV, is named Orville Ketchum.  Cut to a crime scene in “downtown”. There is a dad and daughter police team. Apparently, the dad was the first guy on the scene of the “Hockstetter” crime. And, apparently, he had a daughter when he was about five because they seem to be the same age. I guess, to try and clean this up, we get “Yeah, Hockstetter’s dead, but there was a neighbor, 300 pounds of bad news”. Anyway, without heat or hot water, they all decide to either take cold showers or strip naked and get into their dainties and use a Ouija board to summon Hockstetter. The pointy thing flies into the fireplace and they all decide to go to bed. Well three of them do – of the other two, one gives the other a massage and it turns out one of them is bopping the other’s boyfriend! Oh no – one storms off in a heat to drink the Tequila and gets the HOOK.  Blood splatters everywhere (but it’s not there later). Now – still clad in only panties and lingerie, the last four go looking for her. Two upstairs, two downstairs. Into the creepy attack! AW SHIT – there’s a set bear trap up there! She steps in it! Another hook! This movie is kind of awesome, in a weird way.

Now there are three of them left. They discover the bodies of their friends when their bodies start dripping blood on them from where they hang in the basement rafters.  SCREAM! They run upstairs and decide to get the hell out of there. Do they go get their clothes? No! They grab the fakest looking kitchen knives ever made and hey run out into the rain – Ketchum is there! SCREAM! Back inside! One of them was too scared to go in the attic and lock the attic window they somehow know is open! Upstairs! 300 pound Ketchum is climbing the water pipe! The one that gets water to the attic! One heads back down in a panic! Ketchum is in the house somehow! SCREAM! She runs to the bathroom!  One of them heads down to get the other! Someone busts in the bathroom with the hook! Ketchum is in the attic! She stabs him with the plastic knife! He’s not dead! She strangles him with a chain! Downstairs for the others, she’s in the bathroom; the tub is filled with blood! Her friend rises from the tub nude and grabs her neck! Oh wait she dies! Back downstairs! The phone rings! It’s Clive Hockstetter’s dead wife! She’s asking for Clive! There are two left! Jessica and Linda! Jessica is in the basement, beckoning for Linda to “coooooommmmeeee here”. She’s possessed with the spirit of Clive! Her hair is messed up! She’s wearing men’s clothes! She’s got a hook! She’s the killer! Jessica: “Please call my Clive…” Linda: “OH MY GOD THE SÉANCE!!!”

Oh man – I won’t even tell you how this one ends up – but this has to be one of the best of the bunch for its ridiculousness. Love it!

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HARD TO DIE a.k.a. THE SORORITY HOUSE MASSACRE 3 (1990): TWO POWER DRILLS

I debated for a week or two on whether even to watch this, much less put it in here. According to the reviews on Amazon and posts on IMDB, this was the same movie is “Sorority House 2”, only set in a “high rise” instead of the mansion, with machine guns.  Eventually, I thought why not, since this is the last one of these I am going to watch for this project (until something new comes out or someone turns me on to an old one I don’t know about). I got it for pennies off eBay, conveniently received it on my day off and got to work.  Sure enough – three of the girls from “2” are back (as different characters),  disgusting Orville Ketchum is the building’s janitor and the same age father and daughter cop team are back. Oh, so is the “delivery guy” who found the room full of bodies at the end of the last one. This time around, the five bare-naked ladies all work for Acme Lingerie and are there on a Saturday to “do inventory”. This means they have to go down into the dirty, dusty basement to retrieve boxes of receipts, get filthy and each take lengthy solo showers in the boss’ bathroom.  By the way, the delivery guy had dropped off a box that was supposed to go somewhere else containing who knows what inside. After the showers are done and the Chinese food ordered, they accidentally open the mystery box, open the box inside of it, and unleash the most terrible looking special effect demon ever put on film.

What’s funny in this movie, is that, when explaining the events leading up to the film, they tell us that: several months ago old Hockstetter had gone mad and brutally killed five sorority sisters who had purchased and were living in his old house (sounds right so far). They then (again) intercut scenes from the very first Slumber Party Massacre showing how first he had killed the house mother (who in Sorority House M 2 was Hockstetter’s wife) then the sisters (in SHM2 were his daughters). They also allude to how Ketchum there had maybe been trying to help the girls after all.  Silliness.  During the soapy showers, the cops meet up with the last guy who knew Hockstetter, conveniently the professor who was supposed to get the “Demon Box” in the first place. He explains that Hockstetter was the most evil man ever to step foot on the planet and had been practicing the occult on himself for years! He was trying to split his soul from his body! Apparently he did! If that box is opened his soul could inhabit ANYONE! FOREVER! Oops –

So, our girls start getting picked off one by one, they run up and down stairs  in their underwear, they say stupid things and poor ole Ketchum keeps getting shot and stabbed and thrown off buildings and strangled and shot and stabbed, but keeps showing up in the nick of time to yell “HOCKSTETTER!!!!!” and get shot or stabbed again. It won’t ruin anything to tell you that eventually there are only a couple of survivors and, mercifully, this one is over. This one didn’t have quite the strange, funny appeal as SHM2. In fact, because it was such a blatant copy, it was kind of irritating. Like when someone down the street copies your Christmas light decoration style. Jerk!

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CHEERLEADER MASSACRE (2003): TWO POWER DRILLS 

Well I don’t know what to say about Cheerleader Massacre. But, I’ll say this: when I was fourteen and living in an apartment complex in Valencia, Ca, there was a husband and wife that lived in there too. The husband’s name was Barry and he was a location camera man for NBC (so he was in possession of a video camera). Since my grandparents were the residing landlords of the property, I am not sure if he was trying to get a slice off of the rent, or if he enjoyed my company, but were friends. Either way, in 1985 (or so), we used his camera and made a stupid movie / documentary around the complex about me being Tarzan’s son on the hunt for some giant bear. It was terrible, yet funny. This movie has about the same production and acting value as “Tarzan’s Son”, but looks worse.

We start off with a couple in the woods, necking, and we hear a noise. The male exits the tent to see what’s up and is killed by someone behind a tree. Bra-less female is then scared out of the tent and into the woods where she trips over boyfriend’s body. YIKES! She is then stabbed in the back by some sort of polished walking stick, and it is VERY clear the stick is stuck in the ground beside her. Cut to the shitty opening credits and then we have our cheerleaders doing their routine, getting yelled at by some half dressed “teacher”, taking a shower together, and suddenly someone is killed, ala Slumber Party Massacre. Soon, we cut to a random shot of someone running through the snow covered mountains. Oy vey – the only creatures capable of worse acting here is our dogs, but they both know how to act to get treats or dinner…

But, believe or not, after the first 44 minutes, it kind of gets good. KIND OF. Turns out the man running through the woods is the escaped DRILLER KILLER from the first movie (even though he died and has a different name this time: (from Russ Thorn to ‘something’ McPherson).  These killings aren’t his motif – so there are two deranged lunatics on the loose. Speaking of loose, since there’s not much plot here, these cheerleaders shed their tops pretty frequently (to keep the viewer watching). Anyway – the squad’s bus breaks down so they trek up the mountain into a fully furnished, unlocked, cabin where they start to take showers, make out and get killed off.  I won’t ruin this beauty for you, but I’ll let you know that things may not be what they seem. Oh, and there are two hilarious explosions. That sure was a powerful Molotov cocktail…

Overall – it has a semi-charm to it, as in “they tried”, but the acting is piss-poor. If you can get over that, you might enjoy it.  With “might” being the operative word here.

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SPRING BREAK MASSACRE (2009): ONE POWER DRILL

I say, right now, that this movie has nothing worth watching about it whatsoever. I actually hated this movie. This movie sucked from the start to finish. This is not “so bad it’s good”, it’s just “bad”. The opening scene set very low expectations, the following scenes delivered very low production value, disgusting acting, and it just kept getting worse. The cinematography is terrible – to me – it’s some sort of weird “glow-bur” effect. I don’t get it. The actresses all have scars, rashes, or bad acne. Supposedly, the kills are done with a knife but it seems the wounds are more like giant talons from a velociraptor.

I believe the production company was trying to strum up some mystery with the three possible culprits. Is it the escaped from prison pizza guy (this is helping you since it seems they either changed actors or let him go ahead and change his look up), is it the (apparently or what) retarded neighbor? Is it the dude who knifed someone for no reason? Or is it the dad who (no spoiler) kills some girls for “running in the house”? Who cares? This was terrible. I couldn’t even wait for it to be over. This is a DVD that will going to my friend in his annual “Christmas grab bag box” of shit I don’t want any more.

Avoid – I would recommend Slumber Party Massacre 2 before this. In fact, I would recommend anything else over this.

A much more fun version of this movie can be found HERE.

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SPIRIT CAMP (2009): FIVE POWER DRILLS

I rarely am engaged enough to watch “making ofs” and other featurettes, but I did on this one, because I enjoyed it so much. I’ll tell you why I even mentioned that here after a few lines. Is this movie scary? No, not one bit. Is it gruesome? No, not really but they use real make up instead of cheap CGI (well except for when the barn blows up). Is it shot well? It’s kind of weird, I think the crew got a new camera towards the end of the shoot, because the photography style changes in the last 30 minutes (for the better). How’s the acting? Well – the acting is awful, BUT, during the “making-of” I got to the impression that the delivery was that bad on purpose, as a throwback to the 80’s that this movie is blatantly an homage of.  The camp counselor is Mrs. Haddonfield (Halloween), they are at Camp Lumis (Halloween and F13), about halfway through the killer dons a mask with wild hair (a head of a blow-up doll) (Halloween), etc. Anyway, I bet most people will think this movie is stupid, but I really enjoyed it, for it’s many charms.

There’s not much to the plot. It starts off with a bang,  spirit squad teens are enjoying a campfire complete with marshmallows and bourbon. Two of them go off into the woods for some tomfoolery and get the hatchet. Two years later a new squad of chicks is back at the camp to get their training to get to nationals. We have the requisite bitch, the goody two shoes, the sex hound, the goth chick, three just-there-to-show-skin-and-be-dispatched-quicklies, the arrogant Cheer-leader, her gay sidekick and a few others. Sure enough, Ted the Butcher (the killer from two years previous) has escaped from the maximum security prison and is out on the loose! Young, half clad (or not) teens and those frumpy adults are soon disappearing and we race to get out there alive. I should note that this is billed as a “horror / comedy”. To me, the emphasis was on comedy, well, parody, not for outright laughs, but not taking themselves seriously, like many film productions do. For instance, there is one part where the new squad is meeting the Cheer Leader and her partner, and they pan across the group of ladies, one of them has her head bent all the way back on her neck with her mouth open, like this is the most boring thing she’s ever done. Or, at one point there are three left, and one has gotten down to her privies and started to swim to the other side of the lake, to get help from the “boys”. Of the two left, the bitch member is bitching at the goth member, who takes her shotgun and leaves, to which the bitch “is like, hey, wait up!” That may not translate good here, but it’s things like that, in the movie, that made me enjoy it. Plus, you can probably tell from the poster above, what the underlying principal is here.

Another thing I thought was humorous about this: every time the killer was going in for the ‘money shot’, there was an overly dramatic quick shot of the axe in front of the moon, or the knife in front of the ceiling light. You know, kind of “DAM TA DAM! SHRIEK! HERE’S THE KNIFE! STAB!”. Is the killer Ted the Butcher? Or is it the cop? Or is it the greasy, always dirty, handyman who peeps through windows at girls changing clothes?  I don’t think you could go wrong watching this, I hope they make a sequel. For “B-Movie” horror they did a good job. Oh – and for the acting, if you get over expecting too much, you can really like it. If you’re interested in this movie at all, you can google images Spirit Camp Movie and get a real good idea of what you’re in for (cheerleaders with axes, guns, bloody, etc). In the end, if you’re looking for this type of movie, you’ll probably get a kick out of Spirit Camp.

TSPM12

TSPM13

SORORITY ROW (2009): FOUR POWER DRILLS

I saw this on Video on Demand whenever it came out and I really liked it. I liked the opening scene quite a bit, it was gory, it was funny when it meant to be, I liked the sorority sisters and their takes on everything going on, I liked the cinematography and the whole thing in general.  I watched it again, a year or more later, and didn’t like it quite as much. I think, when I watched it the first time, I was willing to give “the bitch” character some lee-way because I liked the rest of the cast. But on the second viewing, I already knew the cast and her character is completely irritating.  Her one liners, delivery and facial expressions got on my nerves. And – the first time when I watched Bruce Willis’ daughter Rumor  running around in her PJs, it didn’t bother me, this time I was thinking, oh man, that’s Bruce’s daughter running around with most of her mammaries exposed… I shouldn’t be seeing this, he’s my fave! But – after installing a ceiling heater and thinking about the movie for a while, it’s better than most of the other movies on this list, aside from Spirit Camp.  I think, mostly, probably, because it’s “modern”, and HD, and crafty, and there’s some nice use of slo-mo, I liked the character Chugs, and I liked “B.J. and the Bear’s” daughter, and there’s only a little CGI (the fire towards the end).

This is a loose remake of “The House on Sorority Row”, with plenty of references to it, in it. This time the girls pull a prank on one of the character’s brother because he cheated on their Theta Pi sister (who cheated on him first, but it’s ‘hoes before bros’ around here). The prank goes bad (again) and we get a lot of text messages and pictures (ala I Know What You Did Last Summer) and we end up with a quickly diminishing group of pranksters via “attrition”.  There are only three events in this, the party night of the prank gone wrong, the party night of their last days of Theta Pi and the party day of new initiations a few months later.  By adding the adjective “party” to that sentence, I infer that there is plenty of skin and college antics all around, crowding out the noise that goes along with people getting snuffed by a tricked-out tire iron.

bikini1

BIKINI GIRLS ON ICE (2009) TWO POWER DRILLS

With a title like that and a poster like this I am sure the only people that are going to watch this are looking for one or two things… that girl without her bikini on or a bunch of gore. Well, the person would be disappointed because there’s not much of either, but surprisingly this wasn’t AS bad as I figured it would be, but that could also be because the last movie I watched was The Stay Awake. In this there are seven or eight girls running around in their two pieces, even having a soapy water fight, while some deranged killer offs them one by one in a run down gas station But this film doesn’t really have much else for it, aside from being shot with a nice camera. Why is this guy so angry? Why does he howl so much? Why is he killing these people? Why doesn’t everyone just run away? Why is there actually gas in that gas pump? Why does he have such a nice ice machine? Why does he have to hurt them so savagely (there is a bunch of blood here but all of the gore is “off screen”)?

The story: a dorky dude sets up a “bikini car wash” to make money for something – but to really hang around these hot chicks in their bathing suits. He gets his tough guy buddy to drive them there in the school bus (??) and, of course, on arrival it breaks down. While he fixes it, the girls soap up, wash some cars, one of them has sex with some dude, a French couple are murdered and no one really notices, the sex dude is murdered, then the sun goes down and most of the rest of them go down too.  There’s is no explanation why this guy is doing this, or why he puts them on ice, or anything really, just some barely clothed girls running around screaming and  then they are among the deceased.

Oh well…

37 comments

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  5. Lol, the best parts were when you said “He’s stealing a car! He’s run down David Lee Roth – oh wait, that’s a woman. Gas is 90 cents!” and “John belushi guy is wearing a six pack beer hat – nice.”

    This was one massive post! You must have a stellar work ethic when it comes to The IPC. Kudos!

    Like

    • theipc

      LOL!! Those write-ups were fun to do – did you like the iPad one??

      This is actually a very old post I did over the course of a week or so – these movies were fun!!

      Thanks for reading it – I know it’s a long one : ) you’re the best!

      Like

      • Yeah,the iPad one was my favourite because it was so random and it gave such a vivid look at how ridiculous the movie was. I would support more posts like that for sure!

        Like

      • theipc

        There actually are a few more of those out here : )

        There’s a link on the left (on a computer) called POPULATION SAMPLES with a handful more : )

        I would love your feedback : )

        Like

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